Award-winning social worker. Cofounder/CINO at WorkLifeHealth.design, an executive-leadership coaching and social impact consulting firm.
getty
As a matter of survival, women of color (WOC) have always had to self-manage to some degree to try to “fit in” to predominantly white spaces and avoid being trapped by common tropes. Fitting in is about conformity. When it feels necessary for survival to “fit in,” this tells us that we don’t actually belong. A sense of belonging means being genuinely accepted and feeling safe to be fully and authentically who we are, not who others think we should be. In better understanding the competencies that make up emotional intelligence (EI), which is the ability to recognize, understand and manage our own emotions and to recognize, understand and influence the emotions of others, we can more effectively manage ourselves not to fit in anymore, but to stand out and be seen the way we want to be seen. We can differentiate with our strengths and turn adversity into advantage.
In the first article of this series, I provided a broad overview of EI and how to leverage it. In the second article, I focused on the first domain of self-awareness. These articles are based on my experiences coaching WOC to help them thrive. This third installment covers self-management, the second domain, which builds upon the foundation of self-awareness.
Self-management has four competencies. Here’s how to leverage them one by one.
Emotional Self-Control
This first competency requires mindful awareness of emotions and an ability to effectively manage them through both emotion regulation and impulse control; in other words internal and external self-management. On a daily basis, WOC face subtle acts of exclusion that can take a tremendous emotional toll. When we recognize practices that serve to marginalize us, it’s normal to experience difficult or disruptive emotions. Emotional self-control is not about suppressing these emotions, but about accepting and understanding them so they can be better managed in terms of alleviating our emotional distress and in choosing our response.
A good way to improve emotional self-control is to practice mindfulness and build emotional granularity. Learning to apply an expansive vocabulary of emotions can help you to identify them in a more nuanced way and be able to understand how they connect to what matters most to you. Therefore, when you recognize subtle acts of exclusion, emotional self-control can help you effectively leverage the power of your emotions to decide when and how you might address the situation.
Adaptability
This second competency is the ability to be agile in adjusting to multiple and changing demands. It’s about flexibility in working through challenges, ambiguity and uncertainty. An interpretation of Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu’s wisdom embodies this well: “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard.”
To cultivate adaptability, always be willing to learn, grow and be creative. Consider how to self-manage to be cognitively and emotionally agile. Adaptability allows us to be flexible, which isn’t the same thing as being accommodating, and it isn’t about changing to conform, but authentically changing to evolve. Adaptability for WOC, individually and collectively, can make it possible to wear down the “rigidity and hardness” of white supremacy and systemic oppression to create safe spaces from within and to reshape the organizations we work in and the world we live in.
Achievement Orientation
This third competency is about accomplishing and excelling. As good as this would seem, it’s important to be aware that for WOC, achievement orientation can often go into overdrive when it comes to work. Because of the legacy of systemic racism and bias, most WOC feel it's necessary to outwork everyone else and we may find ourselves on the glass cliff when we're promoted into leadership opportunities that don't set us up to succeed. It’s tiring and disparaging that we have to keep proving ourselves time and again. Moreover, we usually receive less feedback than our white counterparts, which can hinder our growth and advancement.
To leverage achievement orientation, seek clarity on your short- and long-term goals by identifying why they matter, prioritizing them and deciding how you want to achieve them. Avoid toxic productivity by recognizing that work is just one aspect of your life and carefully consider achievement orientation and goal attainment in terms of nurturing your health and well-being with respect to harmonizing all eight dimensions of wellness as discussed in the second article.
Positive Outlook
This fourth competency is being able to focus on what’s good whenever possible. It allows for the recognition of possibility and opportunity, as well as hope and optimism. It doesn’t mean that difficult emotions should be overlooked or discounted, but rather acknowledged and accepted while choosing a healthier perspective to foster well-being. For WOC, a positive outlook can be a powerful cultivator of hope and possibility in helping us to create safe spaces and a better world for everyone.
However, it’s important to be aware of toxic positivity—the misuse of positivity to avoid, suppress or reject negative experiences or emotions—and to recognize its role in invalidating the experiences of WOC and other marginalized identities. To leverage positive outlook, work on cultivating positive feelings on a daily basis by recalling in detail a few things that went well and what you may be grateful for. It’s good to be grateful, but not too grateful. Being overly grateful can lead to stagnation and complacency. It can also keep you from advocating for what you or others need, want and deserve.
Remember that self-management isn’t about learning how to conform to the status quo, but how to manage yourself well so you can show up at your authentic best. Former First Lady Michelle Obama said this: “Instead of letting your hardships and failures discourage or exhaust you, let them inspire you. Let them make you even hungrier to succeed.” Aptly said, these words encapsulate the collective essence of self-management. How well do you think you’re managing yourself and how can you see yourself doing this better?
Forbes Coaches Council is an invitation-only community for leading business and career coaches. Do I qualify?
