543 | Leading Families: Conflict To Community

Chris LoCurto 0:00
On today's episode, leading families conflict to community. Join us as we navigate the journey from discord to unity within families that is coming up next.

Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are. Welcome to the show, folks, I hope you're having a fabulous day, wherever you are. Today, we're diving deep into a topic that is very, very close to home transformation from conflict to community, within families. It is a journey that is both challenging and rewarding. Now, as I say that you're probably thinking to yourself, how do you go from conflict to community? Why is community the direction you're heading to? Well, we're gonna get into that. The thing I want to talk about first is this conflict within families not only leads to tension but also can absolutely lead to strained relationships. Well, no duck crests, I've had that I've experienced that. You're not telling me anything, I get it. But here's the deal.

So much of the reason why we have strained relationships from conflict is because we don't have quality community and open dialogues ahead of time. Instead, we have our positions in relationships, we have our positions and family, we spend certain time together, and we experience each other in certain ways. And unfortunately, because we don't have great communication, because we don't have understanding of each other really well. What do you mean, I understand that my, you know, my siblings a jerks. Now understand that my aunt or uncle just doesn't care about me Understand that my mom, and dad, are just controlling. The key is understanding where the person is coming from. If we are ever going to have a great community, what do we know about a great community, A great community cuts down on conflict, great community cuts down on strained relationships. If we can understand these things, then we can make a shift from having conflict having tension to actually being able to have open dialogues, even if they have healthy conflict in them to create family bonds. Now, as I talk through this, I want to throw a caveat into this. If you're experiencing a highly abusive, highly controlling highly manipulative person, then this probably is not going to be the thing that solves everything and brings the greatest family bonds. Okay.

So if that's the situation that you're experiencing, I still want you to try what we're talking about today. But I also want to make sure that you have healthy boundaries, that protect you in the process, so that you don't go in thinking, Oh, I'm just going to create a great community with this abusive person, and they're just going to stop being the way that they are, there's probably going to need to be a lot more than that involved in the situation. So that's my caveat. So if you're experiencing that, then yes, this may be a little bit difficult to experience with that person or people, depending on what you have in your family still wants you to try it. Still want you to see what you can do. But at the same time, make sure that you're you're you're keeping healthy boundaries. And that you aren't allowing yourself to get pummeled in the process of trying to create better family bonds. But for everybody else, listen, this is something we need to do. If we want to create better relationships, if we want to get past conflict and not just leave conflict open, then one of the things we have to do is have open dialogue. Not threatening dialogue, not accusatory dialogue, not setting somebody's reality. Instead, perspective gathering the ability to talk to somebody about something and find out what their perspective of the conflict is what they're experiencing in the conflict. Now, as we get into adapting our communication, one of the things I want to talk About is how often family members inadvertently resort to a very competitive mindset with dealing with issues. What do I mean by that? Well, for some family members when a conflict comes up, or when an issue comes up, what we see is this, this desire to control this desire to win, you know, there's this issue, we're now going to argue about it. And my goal is to win the argument, we now have a problem, we now have an issue, and I must win, so that I feel good about myself. Now, what we need to recognize in these situations, and I know this is tough because you're probably struggling with a lot of the same stuff at this moment. And, you know, it's difficult to get out of the emotional effects that you have while this is going on. But I want you to really try and remove yourself from this. That's the word I always tell people Watch it like a movie, you know that this person is going to respond a specific way, don't be surprised. Don't be shocked. Instead, try to watch it like a movie, knowing what they're going to do. So instead of you being emotionally handcuffed to the conflict, or emotionally handcuffed to the issue, instead, you recognize what the other person is doing. And it may be what the other person is struggling with. And then how do you help? Because when you just get in and battle, what are you doing, you're adding to the conflict. You're not actually helping, you're just creating more conflict well, but that person's doing so yeah, I get it, I understand. How about we take the high road here? How about we start with us and see if we can't lead somebody else to take the high road as well? So if you aren't going to aid a family member or create a good community so that you can get rid of conflict, one of the first things you have to do is recognize when how, and why people add to conflict. When you can see somebody is struggling with a specific topic, or the way that something is presented, you know, something that I have had to realize in my life, is that while I'm a very high S personality style, one of the things I've had to realize is that I can go into task mode on things. And so when I go into task mode, I'm somebody who usually has a lot of things going on a lot of things processing in my mind.

So when I go to task mode, sometimes I will look at something, and let's say, I don't know, somebody poured a certain type of creamer in their coffee. And my brain goes why did they just do that? My brain doesn't go to I need to be super complimentary or super personable. I'm in task mode. I'm thinking in my brain right now. I wonder why they poured that creamer into their coffee. Now this is just a lame, you know, example, but follow me. So I have had to come to realize that many times I will go Hey, why don't you just pour that in there? And the way that I say it sounds like they did something wrong. And if I don't recognize that I'm in task mode, asking a question about something Hey, what did you just put that in there? Because I want to know, then what can happen is the person can respond as though they did something wrong or they did something stupid. So if I will understand what I see when I say Hey, what did you just put that in there? And they go Oh, because I liked this creamer Yeah, but why that specific creamer? I'm sorry. Was it was I supposed to grab something else was I supposed to? I'll never use this cream ticket. No, no, no, no, I'm just wanting to know why you put that one in there. What I've discovered is my perspective gathering questioning sometimes can sound like it's accusing somebody of doing something wrong. When there's absolutely no desire to accuse somebody of doing something wrong. I'm just in a task brain at that moment. I'm a very logical thinker so sometimes because I constantly want to know why people do stuff and you know asking questions and learning and growing then sometimes I go straight to the logic that creamer went into that coffee why that specific one Why not this one over here? Right, so I'm looking for the logical side behind the choice in the person. But if I don't recognize that my way of asking it can come across to somebody else as accusatory as though they did something wrong, then guess what's going to happen? That person is going to become very defensive. You're that person could become very offensive at that point. It'd be can vary attackee? Right? The key is

recognizing I need to take responsibility and adjust what I'm asking. So there are times I have to go, I'm so sorry. Let me ask that another way. Hey, I noticed you chose that type of creamer. Just for my perspective gathering, I just love to understand, what was it about that creamer that you decided to choose. And once I changed the way that I posed the question, it took away any defensiveness from the person. So quite often, I just think about this ahead of time. I know I'm going in this direction. I know I'm going to ask a question a certain way. And often I will stop myself asking in a very nice, personable way. Sometimes I still don't have to catch up when I'm in that task mode. And if I've, if I've already set somebody off in a bad direction, because they think I'm accusing them of something, I have to back up. I'm so sorry. That came out the wrong way. Let me ask it this way, reset my question. And then we can move forward. What am I telling you? Many times you need to recognize when somebody is struggling and what caused it. Maybe it's something you said, maybe it's a question that you asked, maybe it's a tone that you had, maybe it's they're reading your body, you know, posture, and they aren't realizing that you've also got something else on your mind that you're struggling with. Right? So any of these things can set somebody off, if we take responsibility and adjust our communication, and change our mindset and communicate in a way that is loving and kind and leans in the direction of the other person, then we're already starting on the right foot. Now what about the other person? Well, if you can recognize that you struggle from time to time with stuff like this? Is it possible for you to recognize that maybe the other person is struggling in that moment?

So one of the things I try to do, and I don't do this 100% of the time, but I do it a lot is I try to recognize the other person. Does it appear as though they're struggling with something right now? No, I just asked this question. And I'm not getting the response that I was expecting. I was just expecting a nice response. And this response seems to be one of anguish, you know, one of struggle. So I will ask myself, What is this person struggling with? You know, is it me that I say something the wrong way? Can I can I rephrase? Can I reset this? Or is it possible this person's feeling out of control? Is it possible that the personality style I'm speaking to receives information differently, Maybe I didn't lean in their direction, maybe as a high s, I'm speaking to a high C. And the way that I just said something, they didn't receive it very well. And that's why they're responding the way that they did. You know, maybe I'm speaking to a hi i in the way that I said something seemed like I was attacking whatever it is, if I can really focus on understanding what somebody is experiencing at the moment, and then adjusting my communication to it, even by taking responsibility as fast as possible. Well, but they should be able to just, you know, understand that I wasn't doing No, no, no, no, look, we're looking to win here. We're looking to create a good community and great conversation, we're looking to help each other.

We're looking to be able to get to the place where we can understand each other better, right? So let's start with this. What does it look like to adjust my communication with this person or these people, right? The more that I can do this, this help the person to recognize I care. This helps the person to recognize that I'm trying to great thing most of the time with folks, they will recognize how they are not. So if you're working hard to make the best communication happen, and they're still struggling, then a lot of times they will make that adjustment. Sometimes they won't keep working. But a lot of times they will. The key is as you make the adjustments, that it helps you to start to pay attention more to them instead of your future response. If you are handcuffed to the situation, if you're emotionally handcuffed to what's going on, then guess what you're focused on what you're going to say next. If you're prioritizing what they are experiencing, then it can help you to really dig into what do I think's going on. What can I do differently? How can I adjust this? So this is important for us. us to recognize, especially if it's a different personality style, how do we set them up for success in this conversation? If we can do this, this will drive us to the types of conversation that will allow us to be in a stronger community and have stronger family bonds, instead of being in conflict.

So what if you are one of the family leaders? What does the role of leadership look like? In family situations that are, we're trying to diminish conflict or trying to help have the best community first thing you have to recognize is Why is community so important. As a leader, the more we see people operating in a quality community, the more we see people being healed and feeling healthy. So here's an interesting thing. We do a lot of trauma research and things to understand trauma, and I'm talking about legitimate trauma, not you almost spilled your coffee, and now it's traumatic, and you're afraid to have coffee anymore. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about legitimate situations, then what Here's what we have discovered, some of the studies have shown that one of the best ways to heal somebody who has experienced trauma, believe it or not, is in the community. A great way inside of that community is communal dancing, singing, and enjoying each other. Many times somebody who's come from trauma is actually able to heal a lot, if not all of that trauma. Over time, this isn't how you went to one communal dance, and you know, you've fixed yourself. But instead, the ability to get in an experience, good quality community builds faith, trust, acceptance, and vulnerability, inside of the person who experiences trauma.

Now, for a lot of us living in America, we don't even know what that looks like. I've done a decent amount of study on the blue zones. If you don't know what the Blue Zones are, these are the six areas in the world that have the highest number of centenarians, people who live over 100 years old. It is incredible to me, the number of blue zones that have this, every single one of them has a phenomenal community aspect to it, every one of the Blue Zones. There are all these different key things that they all have in common. One of those things is their community. The belief is that the people that they are spending life with have their back. Another great aspect that I've noticed, this isn't something that's been reported. But the things as I've done the studies on this, I've noticed in many of these communities, they have times of getting together and having meals and dancing and singing. It's just this incredible time of coming together as a community. And America, we might think that is absolutely ridiculous. i You're not getting me out there to do that kind of stuff. That's, that's crazy. I would be embarrassed I would be yatta yatta yatta. Here's the funny thing. They're not embarrassed. They're not struggling. They enjoy it. They don't have a problem getting out there. Dancing, Singing together, having fun sharing meals together. That is incredibly healing. What are we looking for inside of this family unit? When it comes to community, we're looking for healing, or looking to come together and have better family bonds are looking to come together and love each other more, understand each other more experience each other in better ways. So what do you do as a family leader, to make sure that you're helping to create this kind of harmonious environment? The first thing you have to do is all the things I've talked about already. You have to recognize the importance of not being emotionally handcuffed to conflict, and not being somebody who is constantly offended by things that are going on. being somebody who recognizes when people are struggling, being somebody who cares about talking through situations, being somebody who cares about explaining things and understanding somebody is in a frame of mind where they can listen or they can't listen.

being somebody who cares more about other people than you care about yourself. It's your job as a family leader, to get you out of the way. So you can help the rest of the family when you are focused and teaching them how not to be selfish and self centered, when you are selfish and self centered, when you are focused on you, when you are emotionally handcuffed to conflict, you can't possibly lead people through conflict. So as a leader, your role is to understand what qualities do you need to create a harmonious environment. Now, I will tell you one of one of the most important ones I think is long-suffering. Yes, grace is absolutely in their mercy is absolutely in their love is absolutely in there. But interestingly, I think one of the most important things is being long-suffering, being able to deal with what's going on for a longer period of time than you normally would. Being able to understand what people are going through and what they're experiencing. I am in no way, shape, or form, saying that you need to create a bunch of victims or allow people to be victims. What I'm saying is, is that you need to get to a place of understanding where people are coming from A great quality is understanding that people are struggling, suffering, hurting, feeling like they're victims, feeling like they're being attacked, losing worth in situations, feeling like you or somebody else doesn't think that they're worthy.

Looking for approval looking for attention. If we can understand these aspects, and we can calmly talk through stuff and ask questions, what are you struggling with? What are you experiencing at this moment? I've noticed that this is something that you seem to be feeling very strongly about. Do you think that the way that you've approached the subject is affecting the outcome that you're having right now, whatever it is talking through all of these aspects, and helping somebody to come to an understanding on their own, is vitally important. That is the role of a leader, making sure that you are teaching and training others of how to get to a harmonious environment. And then, on top of this, creating the community, what does it look like to help people get to a place where they're experiencing life together, that they're experiencing fun things together, you can't do this, if you are a workaholic, you can't do this. If you're self-centered and self-focused, you can't do this. If you're afraid of conflict. You can't do this if you just don't care more about other people than you do yourself. So if you can understand how to communicate and grow, and lead people through conflict, and help people to recognize that they can grow themselves, and help them to recognize, you know, through self-reflection, that they can be a big part of strengthening these family bonds, and strengthening this community. Then maybe we can lead the whole family to a greater community. On top of that, it's your job, as I said, to create the communal aspects. What does it look like to come together as a family and watch a movie outside on a big screen, have a dance party with your family and you know, celebrate by having big meals that we don't eat in 5.3 seconds? But instead we spend hours enjoying the company and there are no TVs on? And there's no phones ringing and there's no computers that are being played on. But what does it look like to actually spend time together as a family in a community? What does it look like to honor our elders? And find out how life was for them what they experienced growing up and what they've experienced over the decades and learn and glean from them. What does it look like to just celebrate together? As a family leader, this is part of your role.

It's your job to help people get here, right If we're going to make this happen, communication forms the backbone. It's the backbone of any thriving family community, we know that some of you have actually come from some of those families. And man, I just appreciate it. I appreciate that. That's something you're used to, I love it. When we have somebody come through Next-Level Life. And they're like, oh, my gosh, I'm our family super strong, super communal, we have dinner together once a week, you know, we've all moved away, or we're all in different areas of the same town. But we come together, we do this, we do this, we do this. Every time I find that type of communal family, I find strength. I find energy. I find a lack of conflict. I'm not saying there isn't conflict. But I find that conflict resolution happens fast. Communication is super, super important. One of the big aspects of communication is making sure that we are fostering a space where everybody feels heard, and feels valued. Now, folks, there are many people that don't feel heard. There are many personality styles, or I should say, values really motivate. Things that for people, they're the way that they value things in life. Sometimes they just don't feel heard by other people. You've probably experienced that person that goes, you're just not hearing me. You're just not listening. You haven't heard what I said. And then you're going Yeah, I've heard everything that you've said, The issue isn't that you haven't heard them. The issue is, is that the conflict isn't going away where they feel heard. So one of the things that you need to do is, whenever you find somebody who doesn't feel heard is repeat it back to them. Everything that you believe they've heard, don't do it with a crazy sarcastic attitude. But instead do it with love. Do it with understanding, hey, here's the things I've heard you say this, this, this, this, and this? Is that everything? Or am I missing anything? Is there anything I'm missing? What else should I have heard you say? If they feel heard, amazingly, trust builds. If you just keep pounding away at how you're right about everything or read about this argument or read about whatever, then guess what, they are never going to feel heard. And they are definitely not going to feel valued. Even if it's a personality style that doesn't get stuck on feeling like they're not heard. It is a phenomenal technique to make sure that you're repeating back to your family members, what you feel like they've said, so they feel heard. And they feel valued. When I say back to somebody, Hey, here's what I'm hearing you say this, this, this is all that correct? Somebody goes, Wow. Yep, that's exactly what I've said, Wow, you've listened to me great. Now what allows them to hear what you have to say, If you have something that's beneficial, it's not selfish and self-centered, but instead is focused on helping them now they can hear you.

Communication forms the backbone of any thriving family community. One of the most important aspects of communication is leaning in other people's direction, but also helping them to understand that they are heard. So before we continue, let me take a moment to tell you about the valuable resources available in our store. Go to ChrisLoCurto.com/store to check out our collection of disk products. Folks, they are designed to enhance communication. They are designed to enhance teamwork. They're absolutely designed to help understanding within families. They are literally there to help you win with communication. Check it all out.

We've got DISC, we got DISC and Values. We've got personality-style video, we've got all the things to help you get to a place of greater communication inside of your family. So go to ChrisLoCurto.com/store for more details. Now listen, you can't ignore the things that we've talked about today. You've got to make progress on these. You've got to work on these things every single day in your life. You've got to work on being selfless. You've got to work on not being emotionally attached to the conversation, the conflict, whatever it is, you've got to be focusing on. What is this person experiencing? How can I help them? How can I understand where they're coming from? The more you can put other people first, the more you can care more about them than you care about yourself. The more you can solve these aspects As you do that, put things in place to celebrate family, to celebrate community. Get away from the freakin TVs. Get away from the freaking computers. Get away from all the crap that's keeping you from having community. Get away from that junk and be with people. The crazy thing is to have a community you need to be with people, right? Spend time creating community, celebrate, dance, have fun, be okay with looking silly or stupid or weird. Celebrate. God wants us to celebrate as a community. It's what we're going to do when we leave this place and we transition into the next life. We're going to celebrate as a community. Start now. He wants us to start now. As you do that, you will absolutely transform your family. Well, folks, we would love to hear your stories. We would love to hear your insights. We would love to hear your questions. So please feel free to share them with us at podcast at Crystal crypto.com. Send us an email. Give us information, ask us questions, share the things that you've experienced. We really do want to hear those podcast at Crystal crypto.com. Well, folks, that's all the time we have for today. I hope this information has helped you greatly. I really do hope that this is something that changes the way your family operates. As always, take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life. And join us on the next episode.