550 | Understanding the “S” Personality Style and Its Influence on Conflict

Chris LoCurto 0:00
On today's episode, we have an exciting topic to discuss that's crucial for leaders and business owners. And that is understanding the S personality style and its influence on conflict. Stay tuned for insights that can help you embrace harmony in your team dynamics.

Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are. Welcome to the show, folks, I hope you're having a fabulous day wherever you are. Today we are talking about this is the third episode in a series on personality styles. We've covered the D personality so the personality so today we're, we're talking about the s personality style and, and who they are and how they function and how they work in teams and all that kind of fun stuff. Today, I want to start by kind of introducing the S personality style. Now, the high S personality style is a very stable, amiable person. This is somebody who it's funny, as I teach on the highest personality style, I will say they do not like conflict, they do not like conflict, they do not like conflict, they cannot stand conflict. High S personality styles really do not enjoy wanting to be around, they want to avoid as much conflict as possible. They're very empathetic types of people. They love harmony, they want the least amount of tension in relationships that they could have. They're the kind of people who are good at listening to others. They enjoy everything going incredibly well in their life. If everything is going well. If everything is in harmony, if everything is stable, then they feel good about themselves, everything must be right, they tend to be sincere. They're incredibly loyal and incredibly supportive. People. Unfortunately, a negative sign to high SS is they can get steamrolled over many times and still be very loyal, they're very consistent. They love helping other people, it is incredibly important to who they are, it is a high value, even to the point that they will help others when they want to help themselves. It is more important for them to see other people be successful than to see themselves being successful.

So they will put their stuff aside to help other people. They cannot stand conflict, they can't stand a loss of stability. They struggle heavily if they feel like they have offended somebody else. Now, and again, as I'm talking about this, I'm talking about the high s, the lower the s, the less aspect of this there is. But if we're focusing on that highest, then we need to recognize all aspects of that personality style as much as we possibly can. So if they are in a very difficult situation, then they usually will choose to go internal, they usually will choose to become passive to focus on themselves, to not get involved, and maybe step away from the situation. They can have a tendency, if things become less stable to think that they're the problem, that they're the issue of things around them are going, you know, pretty crazy, pretty tense, it's probably their fault, they will internalize a lot. They will spend a lot of time looking inside, seeing if they did something wrong. It's interesting. When we do Next-Level Life events, more than not most of the time, the fastest events are high SS. And the reason why I mean, our goal isn't to get through them fast. But a high s is very introspective. They've spent a lot of time looking at themselves. Or all personality styles, spend time looking at other people and trying to figure out what's wrong with other people and why they're affecting them. Is it their fault? The hy s will have a lot of time in their life where they're looking internally to see if have they done something wrong. If they make a mistake they will analyze the daylights out of themselves. So interestingly enough when we sit down, we always say that it's not difficult for people to see what is in their lives. But what's difficult is to see why the High S has it tendency to see the greatest amount of what they can understand that something already exists. And as we go through things and hit things, and they recognize, and it's funny, because their response many times can be, yep. Okay, I see it. And you have to ask yourself, do they see it? Or are they just responding that way? And they do. They get it, and they understand it because they've already looked at certain aspects. So when you help them put the puzzle pieces together, it makes so much sense. So what is important about understanding the S personality style? Well, for you, as a leader for talking about you as a leader, an important thing is to recognize what it looks like to have the highest in a team setting. So a high s is going to be very concerned with helping others. The reason this is great is because they become phenomenal support, the highest does not want to be the center of attention, they don't want to be the front person, they would rather be the number two person who's behind the scenes taking care of others, who's behind the scenes supporting.

So when you look in a team setting, if you ever tried to make a super high s, the one who's the out front face of a project face of a team, type of person, they are going to struggle immensely, it is going to be very difficult for that person to be in that role. Because that is not where they want to be. They love supporting, they love helping, they love being behind the scenes, running down things that other people wouldn't take care of. So in a team setting, it's fabulous. Another thing is, is that they are very empathetic, and they are great at building relationships. Now they are not going to be your great networker, you know your high eye, and even your D. Those are going to be folks that do a great job in networking, right? They love the people interaction, they love the group setting the high I love the group setting D doesn't love the group setting, but they can, they can deal with it. But the high is going to be the one who gets out there in the group setting and, loves creating relationships. The highest is not that person. They don't want to be out in front of everybody. However, they are good at building relationships on one, they're good at empathizing, you know what somebody's experiencing what they're going through there. They're great listeners.

So again, this is a strength to you, as a leader to have high SS in your team, because they're going to do a great job understanding what's going on. Now, with that being said, there are a couple of negatives that go along with those two things that I just pointed out. Because they love helping people so much because they love taking care of people because they love being you know scenes person, they will tend to put the stuff that they're responsible for aside to go help somebody else, they will very likely fall behind if they get caught up going in taking care of other people. Unfortunately, there is a word that manipulative people learn when it comes to high SS, all they have to do is say the word need, hey, I need you to help me on this. Or I need some help on this? You know, if somebody says that then a high s is like I am here for you standing at attention, I'm here, I will help you out. And what they end up doing is doing something that somebody else should be doing on their own. And a lot of times the stuff that they should be accomplishing falls to the wayside. So these are things that you have to understand also with that empathetic relationship building a negative side to this could be that they may spend more time than you want. Focusing on the relationship aspect. I'm not talking about, you know, just talking for toxic or, you know, not wanting to work, what I'm saying is, is that they find the ability to do a great job through listening through being empathetic from building relationships. So sometimes they can spend too much time doing that very thing and not recognize the importance of the things that need to get done. So these are powerful things these are strengths, but they can also be weaknesses as well. Another aspect of understanding the s personality style is the risks versus opportunities. You will see the high s shying away from risks. You will see the high s not grabbing the bull by the horns when it comes to opportunities. Right. They like stability, they like things to stay the same. They like things to be consistent. So a high S is always going to shy away from the heavier risk They will jump on to opportunities if they feel like they understand it, that nobody's going to get hurt in the process. Nobody's going to be affected negatively, it's not going to reflect badly on them.

And, as I said before, tension and conflict is something that they so avoid that if any risk or opportunity looks like it's going to have even a small modicum amount of stress of conflict, then they're probably going to shy away from it. They may even become, you know, somebody who pushes back. Why do we need to do that? Why do we need to make that happen? I don't think that's a smart idea. You also may see them procrastinate like crazy because of getting involved in that thing. If they don't procrastinate it, and they get involved, then it may bring conflict quickly. If they procrastinate, maybe it'll just go away. Maybe they won't be there in another week or two, right? Important things for you to recognize as a leader. So what about the high SS influence when it comes to conflict? Now, to help a high S personality style handle conflict, the first thing you have to understand is what I've said 14 times already, they hate it. So if you're somebody who's a high D, I, you probably don't understand this. I have had so many business owners in the past, say Chris helped me to get this person to go do this thing. And as they explained the job and the thing that they want them to do all say their highest, aren't they? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know, what you say about highest is just what are some tips and tricks that I can get them to go do this? And I'll be like, they can't go and do it. Because it's not something that they want to do. It's something that they hate. It's pure conflict. Yeah, I understand. I understand. But how do I get them to go do it? And then I'll always usually flip it around. Because it's usually a high D or high personality style that's trying to push an S into going and doing something Well, surely they can do it? Of course, they can accomplish uh, but Chris, I believe in them. And I'll say, Okay, let me ask you a question. Are you able to sit in a cubicle doing the same job day in and day out for the next five years? Oh, gosh, no, no, I could never do that. Exactly. That's the same thing for your high s, you're asking them to go do something that is way outside their comfort zone that has high conflict, that is not stable. That's the reason why they don't want to go do it. There are no tips and tricks. If I gave you tips and tricks to manipulate them into going and doing it, what you're going to discover is they're going to fail miserably. And eventually what they'll do is, they'll back their way out of it or they're they'll cause themselves to self-sabotage their way out of it. So no tips and tricks you have to understand the first and most important thing is you need to recognize they hate conflict period. No ifs ands or buts about it. If you understand that, then you can help to lead them through conflict.

So what you need to be looking for is what are some common sources of conflict. Common sources are not having enough information. If you do not give the high s enough information, and it feels like they're going to fail, that's going to be a piece of conflict. Another source is, as I spoke before, trying to get them to step up and be the face of something that is a huge conflict. The biggest probably the largest area and largest source of conflict for hire is, is if they believe that something they're doing or that they're going to do could potentially hurt someone. Man, that's a big one. They cannot handle that. They hate that. That is something that you will see them back away immediately on. So if you understand the common things that cause them, conflict, instability, lack of information.

Having to decide for a group of people, you know, somebody might not like the decision that they made if they had to decide on going to dinner for 100 people and 99 people said it was great, but one person hated it than they were a failure. That's how they feel about it. These are the things that cause a highest to go internal, to procrastinate, to pull back to draw back to remove themselves from the situation. And so when you come along and you're wondering why they're not doing anything, your frustration is probably about the amount of work that they've done instead of understanding why that's as far as they've gotten. So things that you can do is provide solid strategies for you know, effective conflict resolution. What does that look like? Understand, and then discuss Make sure that you help them to see and one of the things that I will do is, I will ask enough questions to see what their biggest struggle is, what their fear is, what their fear is the what's the conflict. And then I will help them to see how the conflict is holding them back. Do you see how this is impacting you? Do you see how much stress this is bringing on you? Do you and of course, a lot of times the highest will be like, yes, of course, I do know that, then I will help them to understand why the thing is necessary. while also helping them to see that it is not going to affect them negatively. This is a decision that needs to be made that this is a project that needs to be worked on and these are steps that must be taken. And showing them why and how important they are helps them to overcome the conflict. It helps them to see that this is something that has to get done period. And then helping them to see how it's not going to hurt somebody or negatively affect somebody, is a huge part of being able to remove that conflict from that situation. It's a great strategy in helping somebody to go, Okay, I feel calm, I feel stable, I understand this thing, I'm still going to be watching out for the unknowns because something might bite me in the button. So I'm, I'm struggling with that. But I now feel like I can start moving forward.

So as you leave this personality style through conflict, you have to recognize if you're not a high s, then you probably don't handle conflict the same way that they do, you probably handle it. Almost the opposite of how they do. You know, high S you eat conflict for breakfast. Hi, as you can work your way through conflict, you can charm your way through it, there's a lot of things that you can do to get yourself through conflict, high seas, you can't stand conflict either. So you're going to understand this better than anybody else. But if you can recognize that, you can't just tell them, we'll just do it, we'll just get over it, it's gonna be fine. Trust me, trust me does not work with a high s, when they feel like you know, all of their conflict, sirens are going off the warning signs, then just telling them to do it, or telling them to trust you is never going to be the thing that causes them to feel good. They will be stressed out the whole way. If you can explain it out, help them to see it, help them to understand it, to help them to know that there's no negativity coming from this, they're not going to be a bad person, they're not hurting anybody, then you can see them settle in, feel more stable, and move forward with the project the task, whatever it is. Another thing you need to do is you have to over-emphasize the value of clear communication. You have to make sure that the communication is immense. For a high S, the conflict part and communication many times asking a question, and gaining perspective, many times they don't want to ask questions. Many times it's a struggle. And listen, as I'm going through all of this, I want you to understand I'm an 88 S, I am a High S the tools that we teach are the very things that I have used for decades now. To be able to overcome this kind of stuff to be able to work with this stuff, and get to a place of being curious and get to a place of gaining quality perspective. I don't have problems asking questions of people. I'll ask people, but sometimes I have to make sure I don't ask too many. Because I so enjoy getting perspective. Why? Because as a high s, it gives me stability. But for most SS asking a question is pure conflict. They don't want to sound stupid, they don't want to feel stupid, same thing with high seas. And they're afraid that by asking a question, you might think that they're dumb, you might think that they're failing. So you must overemphasize how important it is to have clear communication, and how important it is to gain quality perspective. And on top of that, you've got to emphasize that it must be a mutual understanding. Now, I understand that by saying that some of you think that as long as they understand what I understand, that's enough, no, you have to mutually understand how much information they need to know. You have to understand how important it is that they get all of the information that allows them to feel stable, and do the job that they need to do.

So what about coaching and managing the highest personality styles? One of the best ways to motivate and engage high S personality styles within a team is to explain to them the importance of their role is to explain to them the importance of the support that they provide is to explain to them the importance of, the stability that they can provide to a team is to continue to encourage them to listen and dig in and, and find ways of helping somebody as long as it doesn't override the things that they're responsible for. But if part of their role is that support role, and that's exactly what they need to hear, I need you to jump in here and help over here I need you, to look at this project and find the holes and the things that are that are going to fail and, and you know, find me the conflict, that's a great thing that you can tell is, is, hey, tell me where this thing can be bad. Tell me where this can hurt people tell me where this can negatively affect people. They know how to find that. It's just that people don't ever give them the green light to go do it. Once they have the green light, they will come back with the information. Now they know that it's okay to point out the things that they see may be negative, right though the ways that this may fail in hurt people. But if they think they're responsible for it, and negatively affecting people is going to come back on them, well, then you have to understand they're going to shut down, they're going to become incredibly difficult to motivate. Encouragement is not going to work in this at this moment. You have to put all the things in place that I've discussed already, and then motivate them to go find the things that may be failures and help to solve them. On top of that, you have to teach them the tricks and tips for minimizing conflict for getting to conflict resolution. How do I not take this thing personally? And how do I approach this project problem situation, whatever team member, whatever it is, and focus on resolving the conflict? How do I get the conflict out of this situation, if you can help them to get there by walking them through by explaining by discussing asking questions, and getting them to talk through what the conflict is, then you'll be amazed at how much easier it is for them to work towards conflict resolution. Why? Because one of the biggest parts of the highest is that empathy.

So if they can see that something may hurt somebody, or may negatively affect somebody, and they can empathize with that situation, then they can be encouraged to go help remove that. What about if the conflict is just between them and another team member, once again, make sure that you're not steamrolling over the highest, make sure that you're helping them to understand healthy boundaries, what it looks like to put healthy boundaries in place, what it looks like to you know, stand their ground, which is okay. But help them to try and recognize like we talked about, in I believe the last episode, help them to understand where the other person is coming from, help them to understand and they're going to do this more than any other personality style, they will give the benefit of the doubt quicker than any other personality style. Help them to get to that place where they are recognizing what somebody's experiencing and what they're going through. But also make sure that they understand the need for healthy boundaries. So I want you to solve this, I want conflict resolution. But I don't want it to be at your expense because you caved gave in, helped them to have quality conversations, helped them to use the strengths of empathy, of understanding of the stability of harmony, and helped them to use those strengths in solving the conflict. And in itself. A big part is allowing them to prepare well before the conflict resolution. Many times I will talk to leaders or business owners that are high SS and I will say before you have this, you know difficult conversation with a team member this tough conversation with a team member, sit down and write down all the things that you need to cover. Write down all the pieces that you need to go over and discuss with this person. Because what will happen is you'll just look at it as a topic. And you'll start the conversation and they will they will think faster than you and push back on you and say all kinds of stuff. And then you're going to forget all the things that you wanted to talk about and you'll get lost in the conversation is is will do that they'll get lost because somebody can speak faster, talk faster, and they can't process as fast. So instead, what I always tell the highest leader is to write down all the things and so this is for all highnesses. Write down all the things that you want to talk about what this person that you need to resolve conflict with. And then make sure that we keep coming back to solve it.

So if they keep deflecting and going in a different direction or throwing somebody under the bus or blaming you for it, make sure that you stop it and come back and say I'm sorry, can we just answer this first, can we get through this piece? First, I need to get to what is the answer here. Why did this happen? Or why? You know, why is this something that I don't feel like you're answering right now helped me to understand what happened here, keep bringing them back to your list to go over, it doesn't mean that they can't have their list, and doesn't mean that you can't discuss those things. But if you find them deflecting and moving on, or guilt transfer any of that kind of stuff, then just bring it right back to the list. Hey, this is something that hasn't been covered yet. Can you help me to understand this? By doing so the high s can work through the conflict. By doing so the high s can get all the things that they needed to discuss, discussed. And then we can discuss anything that the other person wants to discuss, right? So it helps them not to just get lost in a conversation. And then two hours later, have all the things that they should have said, right? So it's an amazing thing for me. When I have helped folks, I remember, I was down and doing an event. We were out of the country in Mexico, Cancun during this big event. And I was sitting at the table, a dinner table outside with this gal in her company. And she was talking about some problems that she was struggling with. And I was trying to help her I was laying out options. Here are some things you can do everything I said she was like, nope, nope, nope. Nope. Does that not work? No, we've tried that before. No. And every time she responded, I was going well, you in my mind? Well, you couldn't have tried that. Otherwise, you wouldn't have the same results, right? And I just kept seeing this pushback in my heart as a teacher was to keep teaching and help, help, help, help help. And the highest was to help until I realized, oh, my gosh, she's not going to be able to get through that she is stuck in a spot that she can't get past. So definite high S personality style is on the other side of the table as well. And so I said, Hey, do you mind if we just shift subjects and we can talk about this later? And she was like, Okay. And I was done as a teacher. I was like, Okay, I can't do anymore. I need to stop because everything is being met with so much resistance. So we stopped and moved on to something else and talked about something else for a while. The next day, I saw her walking across the lobby. And I said, Hey, do you have time for us to go back through all of those things and, and discuss those again? And she goes, nope, no. And I went, I'm sorry, did I offend you? And she goes, No, I just spent time thinking about it. And what you said was correct. Oh, great, fantastic. Is there anything I can help? No, I've got it. I know, I need to go and do it. And so what had happened was, is that it was all the things I was mentioning in that moment or conflict. Now this was a business owner, she was coming across very strong, and you know that she was able to accomplish things. And that, you know, in the beginning, I believe that she had tried some of these. But it wasn't until later that I recognized, that I was shoveling conflict on this woman. This is terrible. And it's not going to be beneficial. I need to stop. She needs, you know, 20 minutes to an hour to process this stuff. And sure enough, when she processed it, then she came back and she was like, Yep, all of that's correct. That is the stuff that I need to do.

So the best thing that I could do at that moment, was to let her go in the thinking process or just change subjects. Trying to continue to give her ways to solve stuff at that moment was pointless. It wasn't pointless to share things that I think she needed to do. But to try and drive the point home until she got it was a waste of time. Because it wasn't a conversation about me as a teacher helping her. It was me giving her conflict in her mind. When she had time to process it, she could see that those were things that would work. And they had not done that before. They hadn't tried them before. And then she was gung ho to go make those things happen. So if you do a great job coaching, and managing and helping somebody see what they need to do in helping somebody to understand what they're experiencing is conflict in the time. If you help all of these pieces, all these aspects, then you can help the high s to be a great team member. You can help the highest to manage situations incredibly well. You can help the highest to be successful at overcoming conflict. And you can help them to operate in all of the strengths that they have. So consider this a powerful tool in your belt that you get to use to lead the highest personality style. Also on top of that leads others to interact with the highest personality style.

So a big piece of this again, you know, we talked about it all the time as the importance of personality styles, the importance of communication, especially for something like this, if your team does not know how to communicate well together, then it's going to be the thing that holds all this back. If your team cannot lean in each other's directions, understand and communicate, and set each other up for success, then it's going to be the thing that holds us back. So make sure you go to ChrisLoCurto.com/store and get the disc products, make sure you get at least the disc, I highly suggest that DISC Plus has the values, and make sure that you watch the video with your powerful team. It's great. It's very funny. And it allows them to have great conversations afterward and start leaning in each other's directions. Now, many leaders are frustrated because they don't have the time and tools to lead well, whether it's personality styles or other areas of the business period. Your day gets filled up with fires, people drama meetings that are simply a waste of time, and you never seem to get to what's important and what moves the business forward. Reading books and listening to podcasts aren't helping, and not much about your work life is changing for the better. The thing is, reason is, most leaders do not know how to implement what they've learned, assuming it was good information to start with what if it wasn't. And this is why we created the Next-Level Leadership Live Event. If you feel frustrated or stuck about work these days, then go to ChrisLoCurto.com/events. That's ChrisLoCurto.com/events. registration opens December 1, with $500 off of every ticket you buy. But that's for a short period. You'll learn lessons we practice daily in our business, that are only taught at this event, or inside one of our coaching programs. And you'll have hours of workshop time and access to our coaches right there at the event. So go to ChrisLoCurto.com/events To get your limited-time offer before it slips away. Well, folks, I hope that today learning how to understand the highest personality style better is a game changer for you. I know that it is a game changer in conflict management that is for sure. By recognizing and adapting to this style. You're empowering your team to handle conflicts more effectively and nurture a collaborative work environment. I promise. If you just put these pieces in place these tools, you will be amazed at how with this personality style conflict diminishes inside your business. Now we would love to hear your stories and your insights, so feel free to share them with us podcast at Chris accredo.com.

Well, folks, that's all the time we have for today. I hope this information has helped you. As always take this information, change your leadership, change your business, change your life, and join us on the next episode.