The Most Awkward Leadership Topic
You got to the end of your rope because you feel misunderstood and uncared for.
You serve, understand, and support others.
Who serves, understands, and supports you?
I’m not asking, “Who finishes tasks for you?” I’m asking, “Who supports you as a person?”
Alone:
You’re alone because:
- You pretend you don’t need others.
- Those around you are fakers, pretending they don’t need others. Authenticity frightens pretenders.
- You won’t receive.
- You haven’t told people how to support you.
Supporters:
You need supporters who:
- Dream big for you. Many want you to stay average or at least below them. Supporters aren’t threatened by your success.
- Think about your humanity. Nearly everyone wants something from you. Supporters think about you as a person as well as what you do.
- Strengthen you by understanding and accepting you. Feeling understood and accepted energizes everyone. Vitality fuels the future. It’s not lazy self-indulgence.
Bottom line:
Leaders who don’t feel supported, end up hanging from the end of their rope, drained, disillusioned, and discouraged.
Everyone needs a “with.”
No one ever makes it on their own.
Responsibility:
Stop whining about self-centered people who care only for themselves. The world is full of generous people.
- Train supporters. Explain what support looks like to you.
- Welcome and enjoy support when it comes. Stop brushing off support with embarrassment.
- Jettison the omnipotent leader façade.
- Develop trusted friends and, most importantly, be honest with them. Stop lying about your struggles. Don’t spill your guts in public but spill them somewhere. If you don’t open up in private, it often happens in public.
- Never make others responsible for you.
Help others care for you by caring for yourself.
High and mighty leaders, who have it all together, find this the most awkward leadership topic.
How can leaders develop personal support structures?
Dan,
Thanks for talking about this. Reminds me of a post I saw recently “Help is not a four letter word”. Sometimes we’re so afraid to say that we need support. You have to be careful like you said, WHO you spill too but spill you must. Many think that it’s courageous to go it alone. I think it’s courageous when you can ask for what you need. We have so many NON conversations on a daily basis: How’s business? GREAT! or “Things are OK. I’m fighting the good fight, taking it one day at a time!” We need to speak our truth and remember that “There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do” – Freya Stark
Giselle
Thank you Giselle.
Love the idea that getting help is an act of courage…Kapow… It has some pretty “Interesting” ramifications.
Thanks for dropping in.
Dan, this is such an important topic-made awkward only by the unfortunate, destructive notion that leaders should be flawless. An impossible standard that provokes misguided shame around human problems and challenges.
Jettisoning the omnipotent facade is essential- Leaders that are comfortable acknowledging and exposing imperfection, and that are supportive rather than judgmental of the imperfections in others, will go a long way toward fostering a supportive environment in which others feel safe to be authentic and human as well.
Thanks for sharing these insightful reflections.
Thank you Lori,
I think you are highlighting a key point. Alone is self-inflicted.
Of course we have to be selective with who and when we spill but we still need to.
Best to you
Hi Dan, how I am developing personal support structures is
1. Treating other like I want them to treat me.
2. Studying the best
3. Getting my own house in order
4. Never Never, Never, Never, Never, Never Giving up.
5.Sharing with others if they ask
CYA Dan, got reading, writing, treating, sharing, not giving up to get
back to.
Scott
Thank you Scott.
Thanks for sharing your own choices that you find create support around you.
I love #3. I think we can become so concerned about others that we make excuses for ourselves.
Here’s to a great weekend.
Transparency makes us vulnerable.. Criticism is amplified by the pressures we lead through, making openness to supportive company a challenge,
..
but I think the problem may also lie in our societies viewpoints, being a good follower is “out” in our culture. Put another way, who would read a blog called “Followership Freak”?
Thank you Ken.
Love your last line. It continues digging at the problem of ego in leadership which, in the end, creates aloneness in leadership.
Perhaps the seduction of power/respect/and authority are like a drug. The more you get the more you want and the more afraid you are of losing it.. hence… pretend you have it all together when you don’t.
..ego and self confidence are not the same, yet nearly always found together and leaders need self confidence. I don’t think it’s a fear of losing it, I think it’s a realization that not everyone plays by the same rules, and some will do harm.
Ken,
I would read a blog called “Followership Freak”. Have you missed the idea that the support might come from outside the business circle? (eg Creative Arts Therapy group to work through material or….) Jo
Jo, thanks for broadening my perspective.. Yes I overlooked that possibility. 🙂
Jo,
Your comments zero in on an area that I think is very important to answering Dan’s question. First of all, I think that because of the inherent competitive nature of the business world, it may be the least likely place where we can find true, unfettered support — at least, very rarely so. But going outside the business circle — ALL the way out — may have the most meaningful value. My wife and I have both held leadership roles for 25 years or more (we’ve been married for 35). Our careers have ebbed and flowed; but through all that time, we have found that we are our best supporters and best cheerleaders. The people who know you the best are most likely the ones who have known you the closest for the longest. And, I feel, therein lies your best source of support (it doesn’t have to be a spouse . . . that’s just my particular experience).
I think another thing will happen. (as well) As the world changes due to the connectedness through the Internet people will come to realise that in giving we receive and by supporting we build a context within which we can be supported. In this way perhaps the stress will lessen and people will heal from the dog eat dog world of career driven frenzy and settle back into some solid community values. That would spread the onus of support and bring a more realistic balance to the mix, Thanks for your thoughts, Jo
Interesting how we can take sincere giving and turn it into self-serving sacrifice.
Ouch & Thanks for the firm reminder to stop criticizing others for not supporting me – especially egregious is resenting those I’m here to serve for not serving me.
Truth is while everyone needs a Barnabas – most of the people in my life do not fill that role nor should they – if I am true to my call and the lessons from Wisdom – most people in my life are here for me to serve.
Thank you Mr Rockwell!
Wow! You bring out an entirely new side to this conversation. Powerful.
We can come to resent those we serve because we feel like martyrs. Love it.
Leaders can really develop support systems by being honest with themselves. We can’t possibly know everything nor can we accomplish things on our own. We need mentors, we need friends to pick us back up, and we need others’ presence.
Life is lonely enough as it is. No one should have to lead on their own.
Thanks Vincent.
The word that popped for me is “mentors.” Great add. Thanks for joining in today.
Dear Dan, The why you are alone struck way too close to home for me. This is a great post for every area of leadership we face in life.
Thanks Lyndie. I must confess I didn’t have to work very hard to come up with list. I just looked within… OUCH!
Support is a fascinating word and concept. If one believes that every person has something to teach us and that there is a uniqueness about us which can help at least one other being then support is the foundation of humanity. No one can ever truly succeed alone and our triumphs mean little if there is no one to share them with. “authenticity frightens pretenders” but it also exposes our vulnerability. Were it not for our own personal internal support that vulnerability would collapse us. Firm footing in your beliefs and values keeps us upright. We all have many different needs but the one that never fades is the need we have for each other. Predictability of action and sincerity of intent coupled with genuine love is the “secret sauce” which binds us all together. Developing personal support structures can be created once we start believing in each other. Balancing our need for support and our giving it is the reality of true leadership.
KaPOW! so much wisdom here. Love how you cover both sides in today’s contribution…. us/them or I/we… insightful.
And this is why everyone needs a life-coach to guide, encourage, and offer accountability to them. This is an awkward topic because it takes humility. Define your support plan, and hand it off to someone who cares about you and the success of your church.
Thank you Brent.
couldn’t agree more… I love to say, “Have a coach; be a coach.
Hiya Dan,
I want to thank you for this great article. I feel that it really does a lot to close the gap between leader and ‘follower’. Many people, unfortunately, seem to be under the impression that, as a leader, you need to be omniscient, omnipotent and have the answers to all life’s problems. Your article pops that theory like a bubble!
Synergy is so so so very important in any organization or movement and many of the points you’ve made, if followed by those who read them, will definitely improve the synergy of whatever they’re leading.
All the best to you!
Hi Dan, LOVE your messages. I am wanting to model you. At this stage I only put out a two weekly newsletter/blog and am going down the track of blogging.
My 3 questions are –
· How do you prioritise your blogging research/writing/scheduling
· What do business expect should I approach them to write for their audiences
· What are your beliefs around growing a database who LOVES what you do as I do?
Thank you so much in advance
And I hope you are feeling heaps better after being laid up last year.
Cheers
Bernadette McClelland (Australia)
WOW! I SO NEEDED THIS!… thank you
-Bill
Hi Dan –
It’s so rare that I come across something groundbreaking on the nuances of real-world leadership, but this absolutely breaks the mold. So few are willing to give a serious look at the issue of “lonely at the top.” And, more importantly, that it’s often self-imposed.
Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to more of your insights.
– Mike Treiser
Hi Dan,
Isolation seems to come with leadership unintentionally so we must be intentional about staying closely connected with others, peers, mentors, those leading and others. I agree that if we become isolated we are not going to be growing, no life is added to the mix.