The Person You Dance Around Has Control
Marionettes resemble reality but comically fall short. That’s us when others pull the strings. The person you dance around controls you.
Realities of control:
Governments:
Governments control us with fear and reward. Police officers use fines to enforce speed limits. Fear of getting caught keeps us in line. When I’m confident I won’t get caught, I set my own speed limits.
When the government wants you to stop speeding, they punish you for speeding. When the government wants you to use electric vehicles, they reward you. In both cases you suffer when you ignore authority.
Teams:
Teams that control themselves are rare. The person in control sets direction, establishes rules of engagement, and often makes decisions. You thrive when you conform.
Individuals:
The person you’re afraid to confront controls you. You endure a bullying boss, for example, because you need the money. Control is mostly illusion; response is the exception. (Read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning)
You influence other people’s performance; you don’t control it. When someone under-performs, you control your response. You can’t force them to improve. Understand that no response is a response. All responses have consequences.
7 ways to be a real person instead of a marionette:
- Know what you want. Unfocused frustration is destructive.
- Avoid anger and bitterness. Prolonged painful emotion like anger and resentment indicates helplessness. Someone else is pulling the strings.
- Work to control yourself. If you weren’t afraid, what would you do?
- Accept the decisions of others. Many leaders try to change people who refuse to change.
- Understand you don’t change anyone. We change ourselves. It’s frustrating to fight reality.
- Notice the people you fear offending. They pull the strings.
- Have a clear vision for your life.
What does controlling your responses look like today?
Still curious:
24 Ways to Challenge People Without being a Jerk-Hole
Dear Dan: An Employee Yelled at Me
Dan…I am at a place where I need to finally be a real person…be me. I have been a marionette for a long time in particular, never wanting to offend, taking crap from a sibling because I fear being ostracized financially. However, I have been paying a very high price for this AND my go to was always to get sympathy, to be the victim and to be angry. This is detrimental to my health and only two days ago I made a decision to cut loose. To live my life, and to take control of my destiny. No fanfare. No giving anyone a heads up. Just doing me. Thank you Dan
Wow, such a compelling comment. It seems avoided the pitfall of using anger to motivate over reaction. Congratulations.
Strength with kindness is a glorious virtue.
Twelve days in… I’m curious how your decision is going for you? What successes have you noticed?
Rob, thank you for asking. So far so good. I had to make some huge mental adjustments but I am coping, and continuing to reconnect with me. I actually feel more powerful and able, if that makes any sense and less animosity towards my sibling. I feel as if I have a new lease on life. I know it’s a work in progress as I find myself tolerating B.S. in work situations with clients however I know that as I build muscle I will be able to do what’s necessary.
Wow, that’s a great start, and inspiring. Hearing your real-life actions helps my own perspective. Hopefully you’ll be able to leverage that space you’ve created…and build that muscle. If you don’t mind, I’d like to check in with you in three months and see how it’s going.
I don’t mind at all Rob. Happy that I can help as I sort through my challenges 🙂
Hi Giselle. How goes the work in progress? Have you been able to maintain any momentum? I fell absolutely flat yesterday and am hoping you’ve had more success than me!
I think in terms of Mission Alignment (where are we going) and Behavior Alignment (will Integrity be our guiding principle), Knowing yourself and pushing back against manipulation can be challenging, especially in terms of maintaining constructive attitudes and speech.
So right Ken. Pushing back needs to have positive motivation and positive goals.
We might need to prevent bad, but we also need to create good.
What does controlling your responses look like today?
1. Emotional intelligence helps you not to over react. Gain composure and think before speaking.
2. Use the right combination of carrots and sticks. Learn which carrots and sticks sticks have the most positive impact on each team member. Jack Welch said…”good leaders know when to hug and when to kick.”
3. It’s best to rely on the stick as little as possible.