3 Ways to Quiet Constant Complaining
Constant complaining feels good to grumblers.
Lousy leaders complain like squawking crows. If they didn’t feel unhappy, they wouldn’t feel anything. Even when you do well, lousy leaders bellyache.
Why so much complaining:
Complaining makes lousy leaders feel powerful. Sometimes the only power people have is the power to dislike, disapprove, and disrupt.
Lousy leaders don’t know what to like. They spew sewage because they need to say something.
Constant complaining adds weight to your load. The more you complain, the more validated you feel. The more validated you feel, the more the solution is another person’s responsibility.
Constant complaining feels brave to cowards. The weight of blame feels lighter than the responsibility to improve something.
Constant complaining distills situations into less than they are.
Constant complaining pollutes and corrupts.
3 ways to quiet constant complaining:
Complaining to find solutions is useful. Complaining to complain is like dirt in someone’s gas tank.
#1. Track complaining:
Keep a notepad with you for a week and record each complaint you hear. (Especially the ones you hear yourself saying.)
#2. Give permission to complain:
“I need to get something off my chest,” means you’ll feel better after you talked about it. You don’t want answers. You want to give voice to the weight you carry. Complaining lightens your load.
Getting something off your chest provides space to reflect and choose a new path.
You need a person who listens to your complaints, but doesn’t simply affirm them. Team members need the same.
#3. Limit complaining:
Constant complaining distorts and corrupts.
It’s your fault when you let people pour garbage in your ears for an hour. Interrupt people. Restate their complaints and ask if you understand. When they affirm your understanding, ask, “What do you want?”
How useful are the complaints you hear or speak?
What makes complaining useful? Destructive?
Still curious:
4 Important Ways Complaining is Good for You
How and Why You Should Stop Complaining
THIS!! So many of us fall prey to this exact behavior and it is so easy to miss how much it affects us overall. Great reminder to be careful of this.
Thanks Erin. Often, we don’t need to learn something new. We just need to practice what we already know. Cheers.
Constant complainers are victims. It’s everyone else’s fault.
When dealing with victims , I like your #1 suggestion. Count the complaints and provide feedback. “In the last 20 minutes you complained about 15 things.”
Thanks Paul. My sarcastic-self wants to add, Do you like anything?
I suppose after pointing out 15 things that aren’t liked, we could give the feedback and say, “Let’s make a list of 15 things you do like.”
In my model of the world and in my workshops on team building, I offer a construct of “Spectator Sheep,” often seen standing around in the background going, “NAAAAAA, BAAAAAA” while others are doing the work of moving the wagon.
People generally laugh and agree that this is a reality (as much as anything is reality…). I then frame these as disengaged and uninvolved while still offering “thoughts” on making things better in some way.
The focus is then shifted to how toi better involve and engage the Spectator Sheep in making improvements. Often, they seem to see things differently and are frustrated that no one listens to their ideas. Instead of pushing them away, what can we do to better integrate them into making contributions. They ARE motivated to share their beliefs, why not align them somehow?
Google “Spectator Sheep” and you can find some of my writings and illustrations.
Thanks for extending the conversation, Dr. Simmerman. I googled “spectator sheep” and read your article. It was helpful. I appreciate your work.
Thumbs up on the Spectator Sheep thoughts from Dr. Simmerman. If you are complaining about complainers then reframe.
I have someone in my life who I thought complains a lot but after reading this I realize that they “blame” a lot. Subtle difference. Wondering how to reframe or respond.
Thanks Elizabeth. It is useful to consider what you’re dealing with. Is it a constant complainer, a spectator sheep who needs to be heard, a person who isn’t committed to organizational objectives.
I suppose there is an argument that they’re all connected and sometimes they are. But you can complain and be committed to organizational objectives. Sometimes the loudest complainers are also deeply committed.
In any case, it’s useful to address the right situation.
I had a lousy day at the office last week. Conf rooms full and I got kicked out twice. Had important sessions to facilitate and was having technical challenges that are already solved from my home office. Finally found a space that worked, but wasn’t my first choice. I was a grouch when I got home. Complained to my patient hubby about the fuss. Bless him – he grounded the complaining for me and offered some ideas for more flexibility. That helped. The next day I remembered an important question I learned from Brene Brown: What is my part? The next day I reached out to get help on my technical challenges, etc. What is my part? I am responsible for my experience. I shape it and control it. I complained to let off steam. Then I moved to solution finding – sharing my challenges and finding solutions with those who can help me – training team, IT help, etc.
Powerful reflection Jenny. You illustrate so many useful practices. Some complaining is useful. My biggest takeaway is about responsibility. It’s easier to complain and blame than to take responsibility.
I absolutely do not disagree with this post but, here is how I approach. I tend to look at situations from every angle. Yes, this is exhausting sometimes. Invariably there is going to be an angle that is from the “needs improvement” side. Ultimately, after reviewing from all the possible angles, the perspective I try to move forward with incorporates all the angles (whole picture) but focuses on which one weighed the most heavily for me. If this final conclusion is from the “needs improvement” angle, so be it. It’s not a complaint but, instead, an area that needs the focus.
Thanks DJ. It’s a challenge to hear and use constant complaints to produce positive outcomes. I respect your optimistic approach. And your right, most everything ‘needs’ improvement. Is it worth it? Now that’s another question. Cheers.