While conflict is natural, it can also be one of the most uncomfortable parts of life and business. ... [+]
Dr. Ashley R Kennard is an Assistant Professor in the department of communications at Ohio Wesleyan University. She joined Negotiate Anything to help listeners to break down the science behind some of our most difficult conversations, and identify strategies for surviving high conflict scenarios.
Focus on the Humanity
While conflict is natural, it can also be one of the most uncomfortable parts of life and business. Where two or more people feel strongly about opposing ideas, emotions can run high and communication can break down. So what can we do to avoid this moment?
According to Dr. Kennard, one of the primary issues with most conflict is that the parties involved forget to acknowledge humanity in one another. As humans, we all come to the table with a variety of valid emotions and experiences, but at the peak of disagreement this can be hard to remember.
“When the conflict topics are particularly charged or exciting in some way, we tend to let that overshadow or shade our vision on how we feel about that person, which at the end of the day doesn’t really get us anywhere,” Dr. Kennard shared.
This causes a barrier to true connection, a critical element to successfully navigating difficult conversations and cultivating healthy relationships.
So what leads to some of these barriers? Dr. Kennard believes it’s a failure to acknowledge bias and intercultural communication.
“We have this propensity to think of others as members of our out-group,” she explained. “If you don’t look like me, if you don’t think like me, and if you don’t believe the things that I believe, then you must be an other.”
While these are natural cognitive processes, often developed to save us time and increase our chances of survival, in-group and out-group biases can create a sense of tribalism, which usually involves some kind of enemy or threat. Instead of negotiating for what we are in favor of, our minds become tricked into focusing on what we are against.
Strategies for Overcoming In-group Bias
Dr. Kennard recommends beginning with understanding how the brain works, including all of the ways in which we are programmed to respond based on a need for survival.
“Our brains are hardwired to prepare us for survival in a lot of ways,” she continued, “so when we are engaging in these difficult conversations, we have to be able to recognize ‘am I in a moment of survival?’ ”
More often than not, the answer will be no, but taking the time to pause and consider this reality can help you proceed with more intentionality and better communication.
Kennard also recommends taking time to consider the intercultural differences that exist in the dynamic. She reminded listeners that culture isn’t exclusive to ethnicity and race, and can often refer to the smaller, more nuanced differences in how and where people were raised.
“In not thinking about it in this way, we tend to get caught up in our own assumptions and viewpoints and we don’t look at things from other people’s perspectives,” she shared.
It’s important to acknowledge that there will be times when your counterpart remains difficult or resistant to this approach. Dr. Kennard has recommendations for this as well.
“Sometimes it’s just being purposeful in thinking through the ways in which we are similar - what do we have in common and where do we see eye to eye - and then building off of that,” she advised.
From there, she reminded listeners that taking a break or walking away is always an acceptable option.
“I think it’s important to acknowledge that sometimes that’s just the moment and you can choose your peace and walk away,” she said. “ You don’t have to engage.”
Finally, Dr. Kennard believes in making time to talk about how you are communicating. If it’s clear that things have broken down, or if you find yourself feeling frustrated, it’s important to voice that as well. This gives your conversation partner more insight into what you are feeling, and can be a powerful tool for getting discussions back on track.
Real Progress Takes Time
Learning to successfully manage conflict will take time, especially considering how deeply ingrained our thoughts and responses are. Dr. Kennard took some time to remind listeners that it’s okay if these conversations don’t always go as planned.
“So often we become caught up in getting it right and feeling the pressure to really learn and understand what are the best methods out there for this engagement,” she reflected. “Messing up is human and it’s going to happen - but that’s where the greatest things come from.”
Follow Dr. Ashley R. Kennard on LinkedIn. To listen to the full episode, click here.
