3 Ways to Expose Deceptive Emotions
Things that feel good can be bad. Emotions lead you astray – sometimes.
When bad feels good:
- Lying to get out of a jam. (The First Time I Told a Lie at Work)
- Calling in sick when you’re healthy.
- Driving over 100 mph in your two-seat sports car.
In the moment, it felt good to lie to my boss. Going fast doesn’t feel good. It feels great – until you drive through a speed trap.
3 Ways to expose deceptive emotions:
#1. Think long-term.
Discipline feels good later. In the moment it might suck. Saying, “No,” often feels bad. But freedom from entanglement feels great. Putting your fork down when you’re full and desert is exploding your tastebuds is good but feels lousy.
Some decisions feel good later but in the moment they’re like chewing gravel. Some decisions feel bad later, overeating for example.
#2. Think sequence.
Actions create emotions.
Do what you lack.
Work-out when you’re tired because you get energy when you give energy (to a limit of course).
Love when it feels hard.
Love people before they love you. Don’t keep score. Kindness is beautiful especially when harshness feels good.
Pride says, “Don’t forgive.” Feelings say, “But they wronged you; they don’t deserve it.”
You are judged the way you judge others. I needle my friends who are 1 minute late for a meeting. Guess what my friends do when I’m 1-minute late?
Press through when quitting feels good.
You gave your first presentation, even though you wanted to puke.
If you graduated from college, you learned to ignore deceptive emotions. You probably felt like quitting, but you’re glad you pressed through.
Some decisions are good when they feel bad.
#3. Think influence.
You can’t control emotions.
You can influence them by taking actions that serve long-term interests.
What tools help people navigate deceptive emotions?
Still curious:
5 Ways to Manage Emotions that Distort Perception
The Positive Value of Negative Emotions
It’s So Wrong But It Feels So Right
“Love people before they love you. Don’t keep score. Kindness is beautiful especially when harshness feels good.
Pride says, “Don’t forgive.” Feelings say, “But they wronged you; they don’t deserve it.”
This is great advice in the work place and at home!
Thanks Chris. Seems to work all over the place. I’m struck by the beauty of forgiveness and how bitterness makes us ugly. Real challenge.
My mother always would tell us “love each other”! The good news she still tells us.
Impermanence is a word.I try and remember – whatever we are currently dealing with …won’t last forever; it will pass.
I will remember and use these as well. Another great post!
Thanks Melanie. Great word. Life gets discouraging when we difficulties seem permanent.
Hey Tim. Great seeing you today. I hope this chapter of your life is going well. I appreciate you dropping in.
“You are judged the way you judge others” Another powerful gem, Dan! Thanks for contributing to this Thoughful Thursday!
Thanks Amy. Here’s to making it a great day.
Think Long Term…. or
The Pause.
It helped me ask,”Why am I feeling this way?”
I just had a hard conversation where someone was trying to manipulate me with phrases that made it sound like I could be pivotal to fixing a relationship challenge…..
My emotions:
– need to be liked and fix people’s problems
– guilt for not ‘being enough’
That pushed me hard when I actually knew that the person was trying to involve me in a goal of retaliation.
When they hung up mad and said ‘well I know which church is not for me’…. it felt crappy, but I knew I had not taken on something that I was really going to regret.
Thanks for your timely thoughts and instruction Dan. So appreciate your fresh and real perspectives.
Powerful Peter. It takes skill to notice when someone is trying to get you to do their dirty work for them. I worked with a skilled manipulator who regularly did this. They are great at using good-hearted people to shield them from negative consequences. Congratulations on your perceptive spirit.
Very powerful story Peter – good real life example; I have experienced your emotions many a time. And Dan’s summation was very insightful to help me recognize the strategy for what it is when it comes up in the future; as I am a good hearted person who has caved to these tactics in the past. [paraphrased for my recall] “a skilled manipulator is great at using good-hearted people to shield them from negative consequences by trying to guilt you into doing their dirty work for them”