Navigating The Holidays As The Parent Of A Neurodivergent Child

The holiday season is here and often entails parties, gatherings, and events for the entire family. Although this may be the most wonderful time of the year for families with a neurodivergent child, it can unfortunately also be one of the most stressful.

Parents like myself who have an autistic child often have to navigate the:

• Sensory overload: Fear that their children are going to have a meltdown. What do they do if it happens? How do they handle it?
• Saying no to events that will overwhelm their child and ridding the guilt of disappointing a friend or family member
• Setting boundaries & Explaining their "decline" or leaving early to friends and family

"This time of year can be stressful," said Emily Newton, Clinical Psychologist, Board Certified Behavior Analyst, and Clinical Director of Springtide Child Development. "There are changes in routine, different foods, smells, decorations, or lights that aren't usually present. It can be a lot, and I think the best and first thing we can do is acknowledge this for our children and ourselves."

Parents often avoid the crowded mall, not seeing Santa, do not attending a party, or staying home to prevent complications. However, some experts offer strategies to enjoy the season in a way where everyone is comfortable that works best for each child and family.

How To Prepare Your Neurodivergent Child For The Holidays

"Parents of a child with autism can help prepare them by talking about how the planned holiday festivities might change their normal routines in advance," suggests Lindsay Naedar, VP of Services & Supports, Community Impact at Autism Speaks. "This can be anything from a road trip, shifts in meal times, or friends and family joining the dinner table. Creating a daily visual schedule on a tablet, computer, or handwritten chart can help your child see exactly what to expect. It will help them ease anxiety and better understand what's to come. It can be helpful to build in time for some fun activities along with the expected changes on the schedule too."

What Naedar is describing is referred to as a social story. Social stories are written step-by-step narratives explaining specific situations and solutions for a particular child from that child's perspective. They are created to help children overcome challenges, build self-awareness and teach social skills. Autism Speaks offers several templates for personalized teaching stories here.

"I am a big fan of using narratives to help children prepare for events or activities," Newton from Springtide adds. "By describing what will happen, what noises or sounds they may encounter, and what behaviors we expect of them and including pictures, we can add some predictability for them. This does not have to be a formally written story but rather can be a discussion with your child leading up to the event."

Coping At Holiday Events

At holiday gatherings, Naedar mentions family members should be reminded to respect autistic children's communication preferences and suggest ways of building a connection besides talking, such as playing a game or doing a shared activity. If you're visiting extended family, remember that it's ok to tell them how they can help and what can often be expected from your child.

Newton also recommends what she refers to as a "Mary Poppins bag. "What engaging activities or extras (food, fidgets, etc.) can you bring with you? What would Mary Poppins pull out of her purse to help?"

New environments with lots of people can be overwhelming for people with autism. Creating a safety plan, in which you and your family review what will happen before going to holiday events, can prepare you for potential temptations and triggers. This should also be done before heading to crowded stores where there tend to be impatient shoppers and long lines during the holidays, and unfortunately, where elopement can be common and dangerous for children with autism. It's important to review individual safety plans upon arriving at a new location and make adjustments as needed for all settings; Autism Speaks printable Safety Kit can help you develop your multifaceted plan.

"And don't forget the debrief," suggests Newton. "Once an activity has happened, take a minute by yourself or with your partner, and think about one thing that went well and one thing you could do differently next time. These debriefing moments help us be more proactive in future situations."

Employing Creative Approaches

One of our personal family goals was to see Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Knowing my autistic son does not like crowds and is very sensitive to loud noises, we opted to book a room at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel to view the parade in a quiet space. While this was not inexpensive, it was ideal for our family. We could see the balloons and enjoy the fun from a safe and comfortable distance. It was an experience of a lifetime.

When I shared this with Ms. Newton, she responded, "I think that is a great example of finding a way to participate in a holiday tradition or activity in a way that works for your family. I always encourage caregivers to consider what is meaningful to them or the priority in these holiday experiences. Things may not be perfect, but what is the one thing you hope to get out of it for your family? For example, if having Christmas dinner all around the table is the priority, it may not matter what is on your child's plate. So maybe going to Aunt Edna's for dinner means bringing dinosaur chicken nuggets, even if that is not normally on the menu."

Many organizations offer "sensory-friendly" holiday options. For example, Cherry Hill Programs, Autism Speaks, and Autism Speaks Canada has been hosting sensory-friendly Santa Cares events across North America. This allows people of all ages and abilities to enjoy Santa Magic photo experiences in an inclusive, sensory-friendly environment.

Additional Helpful Tools and Resources

If you happen to be flying, families with an autistic child should prepare by contacting TSA Cares. They make accommodations before their flight and go over airport security measures with their child to streamline check-in. In addition, using a teaching tool, such as Adventures with Autism: The Airport Experience can also help simplify your child's process.

Also, if your family is traveling for the holidays, like the "Mary Poppins bag," Naedar suggests bringing "pieces of home." with you, like their favorite game or toy. Comfort items like a familiar blanket, tablet, or fidget spinner may also help children with autism feel more at ease in an unfamiliar environment.

Autism Speaks also compiled Tips for creating an autism-friendly Thanksgiving. While Thanksgiving has passed, it offers guidance from ensuring picky eaters can find their preferred food choices on the ever-changing holiday season menu to creating pleasant and welcoming environments for all guests and family members with autism.

They also have Autism-friendly holidays: How to make sure all is calm when all is bright, which provides sensory-friendly holiday experiences.

If The Holidays Are Too Overwhelming

"It's important to be attuned to your autistic child's experience during the holidays," Naedar advises. "If they appear to be uncomfortable, don't force them to stay in a certain room, engage in a conversation, or pose for pictures. Amid all the excitement, it's a good idea to have a designated quiet space, like a bedroom, where your child can have some time to themselves if they become overwhelmed. Letting them know that they can go to a safe and quiet place away from the holiday noise to recharge when needed is a great self-advocacy skill to encourage."

Ms. Newton also points out that no matter the family, everyone's holiday traditions look different, and there is no rulebook for that experience. "What is important is to find ways to make memories and have special experiences as a family," she said. "I would advocate trying something new– it may become your special annual tradition, or it may just be a funny story later on. Either way, you're making memories."