You Need To Be A BFF Before You Can Have One

Do you have a best friend at work? The famous Gallup poll underscored the need for close and authentic social interactions with someone beyond cordial colleagues. We need friends at work; good friends. If you have three such meaningful friendships at work, you are seven times more likely to be engaged in your job and be 96% more satisfied in life. Not bad.

While the Gallup poll asks if you have a best friend at work, Morag Barrett, Eric Spencer and Ruby Vesely, the authors of the new book, You, Me, We, push us to consider if we are someone’s best friend at work. It turns the question from passive to active. It puts you in the driver’s seat. “If you want a best friend at work,” share the authors, “you need to be that for someone else.”

While the Covid-19 pandemic and hybrid work environment decreased hallway conversations, the need for friends at work has not dissipated. Not every day is a bed of roses in the office, so having not just a friend but an ally is pivotal.

An ally offers unconditional support and helpful feedback intended to enhance, not critique, your work. They are invested in your success. While they may not have a label on their forehead that reads “ally,” you will be able to recognize them by their behaviors:

1. They always have your back.
2. They share a common interest or goal with you.
3. They work with you to achieve the same results.
4. They willingly share their experiences and provide coaching.
5. They act as a sounding board for your ideas.
6. They tell you what you need, not just what you want to hear.
7. They are by your side on the good and especially on the bad days.

True allies show up when times are grim, such as working through a pandemic, a challenging project, or with a boss who is more like a tormentor.

Becoming an ally

How does one develop such a friendship and allyship at work? Your ability to connect with another is aligned with your personal values.

1. Start every conversation with something personal to build a connection.
2. Ask questions instead of inserting your views.
3. Praise before responding.
4. Give recognition and say thank you.

Do not make it transactional

During the Covid-19 pandemic, in-person interactions with others came to a screeching halt. Our communication with others was one or, at best, two-dimensional and always through a screen. “Our relationship muscles atrophied,” share the authors. Over the last two and a half years, we lost the ability to make small talk with others and connect on an emotional level. Our communication became transactional. That’s not how you make friends.

Five Practices of the Ally Mindset

The authors of You, Me, We identified five practices of the Ally Mindset:

Abundance and Generosity

You believe a light on someone else does not detract from the spotlight on you. There is enough for everyone deserving to be illuminated. Coach and mentor others to succeed.

Connection and Compassion

Have enough empathy to allow you to foster a connection with another person. Have the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Assume positive intent in others.

Courage and Vulnerability

Reveal your whole self, not just the filtered glamorous side. Have the courage to say, “I don’t know.” Openly share your fears and concerns and ask for help when needed.

Candor and Debate

Share your perspective in a way that increases learning. Discuss the merits and drawbacks of your point of view in a passionate and respectful manner. Yes, you can do both in tandem.

Action and Accountability

Do what you’ve committed to within the agreed upon timeline.

Now is the perfect time to take stock of where you fall on the Ally Mindset and work to fill in any gaps. Is there an area that you are over or under-utilizing? Do you need to develop or deepen any relationships? What can you do to improve your team’s performance?

If you want to have friends at work, you need to be a friend. You, Me, We will take you by the hand and walk you through the process of developing deep, meaningful, and authentic professional relationships.