What does having a good divorce actually look like? Is a good divorce truly an attainable outcome? For professional women, divorce holds a set of unique challenges that Sarah Armstrong, good divorce proponent and author of The Mom’s Guide to a Good Divorce, has sought to rectify. Divorce does not mean an end to happiness. By changing the cultural narrative we can create families that successfully navigate the divorce process.
“View your divorce process like managing a project” said Armstrong whose writings and advice can be found at www.gooddivorce.guide the project she tends to when not working as vice-president, global marketing operations, at Google. “Create the time to have the right discussions in order to make the best decisions for your children. Block out and protect that time on your calendar to ensure these discussions can take place and that you have the time to think through these important decisions.”
Sarah Armstrong author The Moms Guide to a Good Divorce.
Being hyper-organized, relying on a close network of friends for emotional and logistical support and interacting intentionally with your ex-spouse can help you have a good divorce. Also, it’s important to ensure the right support is in place at home such as a nanny or housekeeper.
When creating a parenting plan make sure to take into account travel and client meetings outside of usual business hours. How will these affect your co-parenting responsibilities?
One prejudice that women may face in the workplace is the assumption that being divorced means that you chose your career over being happily married. Women get blamed for not prioritizing her family life. Many women are trying to do both and it may not work out, states Armstrong.
Here are five tips to having a good divorce according to Armstrong:
- Dispel the myth of the miserable divorcée by showing your success and happiness with head held high. Attend your children’s events and parent-teacher conferences with your ex, gracefully acknowledge your children’s time spent with your ex as an important time for development for your children, and focus on self-care for yourself.
- Half-truths about your divorce can mutate and spin out of your reach. Be discreet. Decide who you need support from, then identify your own workplace need-to-know list. Don’t overshare, but certainly inform your boss, key members of your team and perhaps one or two work confidantes.
- Stay consistent in your messaging especially at work and among friends too, so that you can control the flow of information and protect your children from misinformation about the details of your divorce.
- The media (as well as workplace and neighborhood gossips) love an ugly divorce, which fuels the myth that all divorces are ugly. Showing that a good divorce is possible is one of the ways to dispel the myth.
- Discuss the compartmentalization muscle—what it is, how to “exercise” it, the value it brings to focusing on the right things at the right time.
“Sarah was one of the first people I called when I realized I was getting a divorce. I could not be more grateful for Sarah’s advice on how I should navigate a new, post-divorce world with my daughter,” said Kathryn Stockett, author, The Help. “People need to hear Sarah’s guidance.”
Armstrong acknowledges that with a high conflict person there is only so much you can control. Focus on what you can influence and accept the thing that you cannot. Make sure you have appropriate legal counsel who can respond to a high conflict person.
There are actions you can take to protect your children and take the steps that you can control:
- You can control how you interact
- Chose what emotions you show
- Remember that children pick up on everything! So keep emotional outbursts for friends and therapists.
- Children look at reinsurance to parents, so make sure you show up as happy as you can.
Holidays are some of the toughest times. Not only is going back and forth for holidays stressful for kids, so is gift giving. Kids not only want to be fair with both parents and get similar gifts but also feel like they cannot ask the other parent for help. Look for a third party to help pick gifts for both parents.
As a mom, it may be awful to be alone on the holidays. Armstrong recommends changing traditions in those years. Maybe you spend the day with friends instead of family members who have children. It is ok if you have to change traditions.
The Mom's Guide to a Good Divorce
Armstrong is proud that she is showing people that another approach is possible. She recalls that at a parent teacher conference both she and her ex-husband attended and the teacher did not even realize they were divorced until they told her. The teacher stated that most divorced parents cannot even sit down for an hour together to talk about their children.
For us to change the narrative about divorce, it is important that we follow the steps to create the best possible outcome.
