Daphne Michaels is an executive consultant, leadership trainer and mentor at Daphne Michaels International with over 25 years experience.
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There’s a hangover in leadership; a toxic, draining and numbing sensation still wreaking havoc from the uncaring, bullying and camp-building leadership paradigm we are trying to outgrow in corporate America.
While it’s fabulous that we’re ushering in a new age of inclusivity and human-to-human respect, if we don’t address the naturally ugly heart of leadership, the new paradigm cannot fully emerge into the light—where worker retention challenges can be drastically eased by creating a truly inspiring environment in which to work and develop a healthy community.
The ugly heart of leadership is the natural human shadow that all of us carry whether we are leaders or not. It comes from the deeply negative judgments we have—especially when we are tired, angry or hungry. Our “ugly heart” is the worst part of us that rears its head when we are not personally fulfilled in life. While it was OK for leaders to scream, yell and abuse employees in the recent past, the ugly heart of leadership has no place—verbally or passive-aggressively—in today’s workplace.
That’s why the greatest leaders invest energy in personal development. They understand that it is all too easy for the “ugly heart” to show through when they are frustrated, overwhelmed, burned out or just not into their role at the moment.
As a leader, you are in the spotlight 24/7, so the stakes are extremely high. And because there is nowhere to hide an ugly heart, you’ll see it seep into your business through lashing out, checking out or calling out your team. When this happens, your positive interactions can be forever muted and your organization’s culture is at risk for a downward spiral.
Simply masking the ugly heart doesn’t work. At some level, your team will sense that you are not at your best. And if you are not at your best, they cannot be at their best, either.
Is this an impossible dilemma for leaders who aspire to be great? On one hand, you must accept that you are human with normal, dark human emotions and reactions to life, while on the other hand, you must understand that your role as a leader requires you to be superhuman with greater powers to rise above and beyond personal emotional challenges.
No, it's not impossible; the good news is that this dilemma can be resolved through self-awareness and small course corrections. While it’s always a good idea to reach out for the support of a coach or therapist when dealing with your personal shadow, here are a few signs to look out for and examples of how to transform the ugly heart of leadership before it causes damage to you and your organization.
• Your spark is absent: If your motivation went missing and your inspiration is nowhere to be found, run toward beauty—the kind that truly activates a sense of awe inside you. Perhaps get up early and enjoy the sunrise, stare into the night sky or visit a flower garden. Anything that sparks your experience of the glory of life can help restore your spark at work.
• You are fearful: You may be carrying butterflies in your stomach or your startle response is on hyper-alert. If you are entertaining the worst possible outcome, calm your nervous system through meditation, yoga, energetic practices—anything that can physiologically reach your “off button.” Ask yourself if your fears are rational and if so, create a strategy for how to meet the challenge and personally evolve through threatening situations.
• You are isolated: If you are feeling disconnected from life, have quit the social group and don't want to be around people: Reconnect. Have your morning beverage in a coffee house. Call a friend. Attend events. Try something new. Get out of town with a loved one.
• You are angry: You may want to lash out or feel contempt. Walk it out. Write it out. Understand what is driving your rage and vow to handle it responsibly.
• You are resentful: If your boundaries have eroded, you're doing more than your fair share or you have let others take advantage of you, reset your boundaries. Make others aware of your needs. Invite others to step up.
It takes a commitment to unlock the vital personal reserves that inspire motivation and tenacity throughout an organization. When it comes to success at work, keeping a stiff eye on the “ugly heart” of leadership, reaching out for support to keep it in check and aspiring to rise above its reach can put you light-years ahead in your leadership development journey.
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