Loneliness is the new smoking. The loneliness epidemic has been compared to the opioid crisis, to a daily smoking habit, and worse than obesity in terms of the negative impact on our mental and physical health. Last month, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy pointed out, “Loneliness is more than just a bad feeling. When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases. So does their risk of heart disease (29 percent), dementia (50 percent), and stroke (32 percent).”
Jen DaSilva, president of creative agency Berlin Cameron, understands this issue firsthand. As an only child who searched for connection and community her entire life, it wasn’t until she became a new mother and joined a breastfeeding support group that led her to finally find a sense of belonging.
“We were feeding our babies, half of them were crying, none of us knew what we were doing,” DaSilva says. “It allowed me to strip away the shield I had built up over the course of my life and being more vulnerable and authentic allowed me to be less lonely. We were all in it together.”
It was that vulnerability that fostered connection in a way DaSilva had not previously experienced.
Now, DaSilva is on a mission to explore this issue and find new ways to connect people. In 2019, she made the goal to connect four women every single day. That’s how Connect4Women was born, boasting thousands of connections since its inception.
DaSilva and I were introduced because we are both members of TheLi.st, a networking group that brings together underrepresented leaders and high impact women. Berlin Cameron and The Li.st recently partnered with strategic research firm Benenson Strategy Group to conduct a study around the pervasive issue of loneliness, particularly among those attempting to achieve success in the workplace.
Statistics from Berlin Cameron, Benenson Strategy Group and The Li.st's study on loneliness among ... [+]
One of the most surprising things about the research for DaSilva was how most of the successful women interviewed were extremely hesitant to use the word “lonely.” They saw it as a dirty word, something DaSilva attributes to the fact that women are perceived as empathetic relationship builders, which may hold them back from admissions of loneliness.
Her research showed that 92% of senior level women who were feeling isolated and unsupported turned to negative coping behaviors such as drinking, drug use, overspending and more.
When these women turned to more positive coping behaviors, that behavior turned about to be incredibly solitary. “Very far down the list of things they would do was going out and being with other people,” she says. “All the things that they would do to make themselves feel better are very solitary.”
Over the past decade, a cottage industry around self-care has been signaling to women that they ought to prioritize mental and physical wellness by engaging in solitary activities like baths, meditation and journaling. With such a focus on the “self,” the importance of connection has been deprioritized, steeping those successful women further into a culture of isolation.
So how do we recalibrate?
Leadership coach Leah Wiseman Fink points out that it doesn’t have to be either/or. “Socializing can serve as self-care for people who are social creatures,” she says. “Find activities that are both, like work dates, exercise classes, or getting a pedicure together. Even the act of parenting together, as in feeding the kids dinner at the same house, makes people feel like they're less alone.”
“I always tell people to get in the room, from business networking groups to exercise classes, churches or synagogues,” Wiseman Fink says. “The content doesn't matter as much as the people you might find, and you don't need many people to fill the gap. Quality over quantity, always.”
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin MD, psychiatrist and the author of Real Self-Care, cautions that the answer is not simply to socialize more frequently, since all social interactions are not created equal.
“The word socializing does not do justice to what we are all really looking for, which is authentic interpersonal connection,” she says. “Going to a dinner party and feeling like you need to perform a certain way would not be self-care.”
Lakshmin suggests focusing on deeper relationships, or reconnecting with old friends.
“Taking the time to spend an hour on the phone with a friend from college who you love dearly and lost touch with could be self-care,” she says. “You want to ask yourself — do I feel like I can show up as myself in this space? When I leave a social space, do I feel closer to myself or further from myself? Asking yourself those questions will help you get a better understanding of if your social spaces are serving you, or if you need to make a change.”
Lakshmin is the founder and CEO of the women's mental health community Gemma, where she has seen an uptick in feelings of loneliness, especially for women aged 30-50.
“These women are often spending many of their waking hours caring for others,” she says. “What's curious is that often women feel ashamed about feeling lonely, like it means you are uncool — when in reality, so many are feeling it.”
If they key to feeling more closely connected - the antidote to the loneliness epidemic - lies in the willingness to be vulnerable, as DaSilva learned in her new mothers group, yet women leaders are reluctant to show their vulnerability for fear of being seen as incompetent or unqualified to lead. It’s no wonder we’re stuck in this vicious cycle that perpetuates loneliness and isolation.
What will it take to break that cycle?
“This is a national crisis of loneliness, but it's not just a mental health crisis. It's a workplace crisis,” says The Li.st CEO Ann Shoket. “The chilling effect this has on the next generation of leaders who see how stressful and isolating it can be at the top is why 65% of women have declined a promotion, quit a job or quit working altogether because of the fear of the negative impact on their personal life.”
Aliza Freud, founder and CEO of SheSpeaks, conducted a study called “Voices of Women,” which also highlighted the disconnection experienced by professional women, particularly in remote work settings.
“Women tend to use the word ‘disconnected’ when referring to remote work vs. in person,” Freud says. “While many women still prefer the flexibility of remote work (74% prefer flexibility to work remotely vs. being in office) they say that it has made them feel more disconnected (62%).”
Freud believes the solution lies in organizations creating more opportunities for women to connect and share challenges honestly and vulnerably.
Shoket counters that the external communities not attached to one’s workplace are what foster a stronger sense of belonging, enabling leaders to let their guard down and share that level of vulnerability that drives the authentic connection so many are craving.
“There's something really important about creating communities that are outside of the corporate structure because you can't eliminate the inherent competition that people feel when they're inside a company,” she says. “It's really hard to get to the level of trust and vulnerability when you know that you are ultimately competing for the same promotion.”
While "loneliness" is often seen as an individual or organizational problem, many argue that the broader systems exacerbating loneliness are to blame.
“Capitalism keeps people isolated because of its unyielding support for personal gain,” says serial entrepreneur and The Li.st advisor Chana Ginelle Ewing. “Ambition becomes a zero sum game. People are not set up or incentivized to support you when the prevailing story is there can only be one winner.”
The American Dream, as writer Ted Anthony points out in last week’s AP story, convinces people that loneliness is normal. He describes the image of John Wayne walking off towards the Texas skyline at the end of The Searchers in a display of rugged individualism, a cultural marker of strength, manifesting in the Elon Musk style of modern day leadership.
While Lakshmin and Wiseman Fink suggest forging more connection by strengthening one’s closest personal relationships, Ewing calls out the importance of “weak ties,” defined as infrequent, arms-length relationships. According to research from MIT, Stanford, Harvard and LinkedIn, weak ties can be more beneficial for employment opportunities, promotions, and wages than strong ties.
That’s what led Ewing to assemble a group of four friends in a weekly Zoom session early in the pandemic. Ewing strategically brought this particular group together because she realized they might be able to connect over their shared values and help each other grow their businesses.
“I realized we all had different spiritual and therapeutic practices, from astrology, meditation, Qigong to somatic healing, that were supporting our personal and professional endeavors," she says. “There are places you may feel you can’t go with your closest friends, family, or work colleagues. Shared interest groups can absolutely soothe loneliness. Intentional circles have the information, resources and insights you need and don’t always get from your deepest connections.”
Ewing pointed out that this was a very different space than her group texts with best friends, which is what made it so valuable.
Several of the members of Ewing's "Weak Ties" group that turned into deeper relationships over the ... [+]
Surgeon General Murthy has proposed a framework for building more connected communities. Some of the recommendations include minimizing distractions during conversations, seeking out opportunities to serve and support others, and participating in community groups such as fitness, religious, community service and others to foster a sense of belonging and purpose.
Perhaps society, or at least the wellness industry, could benefit from shifting the focus on the “self” to prioritizing connection. For organizations, it can even impact the bottom line.
“Social disconnection is associated with reduced productivity in the workplace, worse performance in school, and diminished civic engagement,” says Murthy. “When we are less invested in one another, we are more susceptible to polarization and less able to pull together to face the challenges that we cannot solve alone.”
To counter the trend of loneliness and embrace community, we need to strike a healthy balance between self-care and socializing. Whether that means prioritizing deeper connections, nurturing weaker ties, setting aside our phones during meals, or opting for social interactions like calling a friend instead of journaling, it will require a collective effort from workplaces, government initiatives, and individuals to shift behaviors. By doing so, we can work towards fostering a sense of togetherness, improving our mental and physical health, and strengthening our communities.
