I am grateful. My son graduated from high school this spring, and as he prepares to head off to college, his retired first-grade teacher, Jan Smith, reached out to congratulate him. Even though we moved out of the district years ago, and over a decade has passed, she tracked him down to celebrate his graduation. As he and I recently walked and talked about his impending transition to college, my son expressed his awe and appreciation for dedicated and caring teachers like Mrs. Smith.
The impact that educators have on young lives often goes unrecognized, though I am deeply grateful. I shared my thanks with Mrs. Smith in a call last week, but why did it take me so long? I have always been appreciative of her contributions to his love of learning and socialization, but I never articulated this directly. Perhaps I should have done so in advance, on day one of his first-grade year.
Don’t Delay, Thank Today
It is said that hindsight is 20/20, and this is especially true with gratitude. Thanks are usually shared as the result of, or in response to, some action or gesture. What if we had this same clarity of vision in foresight and expressed gratitude proactively? As a school counselor, when I begin the college admission experience with applicants and their supporters, I ask students to turn to the adult in their lives and repeat two phrases: “I love you” and “Thank you”. They are thanking their supporters for years of past investment, but it is also intended as an early pay-down of thanks for all that is to come. It sets the stage for an approach to the search and application experience that is grounded in a deep appreciation for the opportunities ahead and those who will lift them up.
Cyclical Admission Stress
Searching for, and applying to, college can often feel overwhelming, judgmental, and for some adversarial at times. It is a roller coaster for students, cycling through the lows and highs of stress and excitement. It might look something like this:
A student feels…
…stressed about finding good college matches
…excited when some schools stand out
…stressed about the essay and application
…excited when they finally press submit
…stressed about a denial
…excited about their acceptances
…stressed about choosing a school…
…you get the point, the admission roller coaster starts to wear down the tracks.
Setting the search and application with a cornerstone attitude of gratitude allows students to frame this experience in a different light. Rather than “I have to get through this,” it becomes, “I am grateful for the privilege and opportunity to do this.” Rather than thanking family, teachers, and friends after the experience, students can cultivate ongoing gratitude as a mindset. It is bound to make their journey more intentional, joyful, and successful.
Science Says…
The research on the power of gratitude is hard to ignore. From eating healthier to improved mental health, and everything in between, studies indicate that our lives–and those of the people around us–are enriched by gratitude. It has also been shown to promote “prosocial behavior.” For a deeper dive read the white paper, The Science of Gratitude which was prepared for the John Templeton Foundation by the Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) at UC Berkeley. The Character Lab at The University of Pennsylvania also has great resources on gratitude, and Making Caring Common, a project of the Harvard Graduate School of Education, has tools for families and educators to help cultivate gratitude in students.
The field of positive psychology incorporates research on gratitude as an emotion or disposition that goes beyond an act or expression of thanks. Dispositional gratitude is an approach to life that habitually focuses on the positive and studies have supported the greater well-being and satisfaction that emerge from this mentality. Anxiety and disappointment are not uncommon in college admission, and neuroscience research suggests that gratitude can help students (and parents) cope with both the worry and the grief often related with this experience. It can also make the joyful moments that much more positive.
Dacher Keltner is a professor of psychology at The University of California, Berkeley and the faculty director for the Greater Good Science Center. He is also the author of the forthcoming book, “Awe: The Science of Everyday Wonder and How it can Transform Your Life.” He describes gratitude as the “feeling of reverence for things that are given,” and says that “finding gratitude for not only what has happened that is good, but also for what is possible–and even for life's inevitable difficulties and disappointments–is one of the surest pathways to strength, perspective, and well-being.” Keltner adds, “In these times of elevated stress, in particular for young adults, this skill is all the more vitally needed.”
Prompting Gratitude
Last year, the Common App essay prompts were updated to replace a previous prompt about problem-solving with the following: “Reflect on something that someone has done for you that has made you happy or thankful in a surprising way. How has this gratitude affected or motivated you?” Only 3% of applicants chose this prompt from the seven different options (“Topic of your choice” was the winner with 27%). We can speculate as to why the response rate was lower, but the truth is that gratitude is a muscle that we must develop and continue to exercise.
The University of Pennsylvania admission office added a short-answer prompt to their application this year asking students to "Write a brief thank-you note to someone you have not yet thanked and would like to acknowledge." They also encourage applicants to “share this note with that person, if possible, and reflect on the experience.” While some criticized the University for creating more hoops for students to jump through, I say “bravo” for forcing students to step back, reflect, and express thanks.
Say it With Me
“Thank you.” Whether said in advance, during, or after an experience, the important part is that we express it. If you are applying to college, identify your team—those who will support you academically, emotionally, and perhaps financially. Share and show your gratitude early and often.
We should all be so lucky to have a Jan Smith in our lives and/or those of our children. I am grateful for her influence on my son and the man he has grown to be. I am also thankful in advance for the professors, administrators, and friends who will no doubt have a profound impact on his next chapter. As a new school year begins, whether first grade or senior year of college, let’s be sure to lead with gratitude.
