How To Stop Sabotaging Yourself And Find Out What You Really Want

By Heather Cherry—

When you face big, ongoing, issues in your life that seem challenging, you may not have big problems, but instead, big attachments. And these attachments may be part of a habit loop. Sometimes it happens by accident, and other times it happens because it's comfortable.

“When you habituate yourself to do things that move your life forward, you call them skills. When they hold your life back, you call them self-sabotage. They are both essentially the same function,” said Brianna Wiest, author of The Mountain Is You.

Wiest continues, “Most of the time, it’s not accidental at all. The habits and behaviors you can’t stop engaging in—no matter how destructive or limiting they may be—are intelligently designed by your subconscious to meet an unfulfilled need, displaced emotion, or neglected desire.”

If you’ve ever wondered why you can’t get to the next level—despite the solution “seeming” easy, yet unattainable—self-sabotage may be to blame.

Here’s how to stop sabotaging yourself and ask for what you really want.

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is often driven by negative self-talk—inner dialogue that could limit your ability to believe in yourself. (If you've ever said things to yourself like, "You can't do that," or "You don't deserve that," you've likely engaged in negative self-talk.)

Negative self-talk is common but can have a lasting impact. One study found that rumination and self-blame over adverse events were linked to an increased risk of mental health problems. In addition, dwelling on negative thoughts can lead to decreased motivation and greater feelings of helplessness.

And if negative self-talk is left unchecked, it may lead to self-sabotage.

Conscious Self-Sabotage And Unconscious Self-Sabotage

You can sabotage yourself in many ways. Some are obvious, while others are harder to recognize. “Self-sabotage is when you have two conflicting desires. One is conscious, one is unconscious. You know how you want to move your life forward, and yet you are still, for some reason, stuck,” Wiest said.

• Conscious self-sabotage: Being aware of your actions that sabotage your goals.
• Unconscious self-sabotage: Acting unconsciously, i.e., accidentally missing a deadline to submit a job application.

"Even if our actions are conscious, it feels better to say 'not getting that opportunity was my choice," said Jocelyn Patterson, a licensed mental health counselor in Sarasota, Florida. "Because it mitigates the risk of dealing with discomfort, self-sabotage can offer us that easy out saying 'it wasn't my destiny' rather than being left with the uncomfortable feeling that not reaching our goals was our fault."

And some experts believe that self-sabotage isn't sabotaging at all. "Self-sabotage is self-preservation. Our nervous systems have been programmed, conditioned, and attuned to any perceived sense of threat. It doesn't matter if that threat is real or imagined; our nervous systems are highly tuned instruments, always on the lookout," said Shirani Pathak, a licensed psychotherapist in San Jose, California, and author of Fierce Authenticity. "When we're experiencing something new, it can trigger alarm bells in our internal system. Our brains command us to engage in normal behavior to bring us back into familiarity. Self-sabotage is a protective mechanism created by your psyche to keep you safe from potential danger—what's familiar to us is what our psyche considers safe."

Self-Sabotaging Behaviors

Self-sabotage happens when there is a mismatch between your values and behaviors. For example, you consistently arrive to work late, so you set a goal to wake up earlier. But you stay up late watching television, rationalizing you can complete your tasks tomorrow. Yet you oversleep and feel too tired to complete the necessary tasks.

"Self-destructive behavior is a biological response," said Dr. Judy Ho, author of Stop Self Sabotage. "We get a boost in dopamine (the feel-good neurotransmitter) by setting goals. But when it's time to complete them, the fear of failure triggers the avoidant behavior. So to avoid the "threat," we subconsciously shy away from our goals. This is called the approach-avoidance conflict."

A few self-sabotaging behaviors include:

• Resistance: People often feel resistance in the face of what’s going right, not what’s going wrong. This is because when you are trying something new, the unfamiliarity can be daunting—resistance is how you protect yourself.
• Perfectionism: Holds you back from showing up and trying, or really doing the important work in your life. This could be a result of fear of failing, feeling vulnerable, or not being as good as you want others to think you are.
• Disorganization: By leaving your life and spaces in disarray, you are not just mindlessly forgetting to take care of your surroundings. You are often actually creating distractions and chaos that serve an unconscious purpose.
• Upper limit: This is the amount of “good” that you’re comfortable having in your life—your threshold for having positive feelings or experiencing positive events. When you surpass your limit, you start to subconsciously sabotage what’s happening to bring yourself back to what’s comfortable.

How To Stop Sabotaging Yourself (At Work And Life)

Learning to recognize and change self-sabotaging behaviors can help you rebuild your self-image and achieve your goals. Here’s how you can stop self-sabotaging behaviors.

1. Become self-aware: Patterns are often associated with self-sabotage. One of the essential steps toward overcoming it is to develop self-awareness. Ask yourself about common patterns when you notice yourself engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors. What are the commonalities, and what can you do to change them?
2. Identify triggers: It's not always easy to identify triggers—especially if they've been around for a long time. Practice journaling if you're having trouble finding out what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Sometimes self-sabotaging triggers are a result of past or childhood trauma. If this is the case, work with a therapist or medical professional to help you resolve the underlying emotional pain.
3. Get "okay" with being uncomfortable: Once you become self-aware and identify your triggers, it's time to practice getting uncomfortable. If you know that your self-sabotaging thoughts sneak up before you create a calendar invite, create a personal rule to do it anyway. Making a personal rule helps you take control over your habit and increases your chances of success. Action is a critical step toward overcoming self-defeating behaviors.
4. Practice mindfulness: Self-defeating behaviors may be coping mechanisms and can be painful to break—unpacking them may impact patterns in your professional, personal, and romantic relationships. Practicing mindfulness can help you break down the habits faster and strengthen your ability to stay present, enabling you to conquer your inner critic.
5. Communicate: Communicating can feel scary, but for those who self-sabotage, it can be a powerful tool to overcome. Sharing your fears help them feel less frightening—sharing goals supports accountability.

Identifying and overcoming self-sabotaging behaviors is a process and takes time to achieve. It can be difficult to unpack the feelings and emotions behind them. So give yourself grace, and know that by doing the work, you’re one step closer to finding (and receiving) what you really want.

Heather Cherry is a versatile writer and editor with 15 years’ experience creating content. She writes on a variety of topics, but specializes in health and wellness content. She is the author of the small business marketing guidebook, Market Your A$$ Off.