Navigating Feelings At Home And Work - An Interview With Liz Fosslien

I was preparing a presentation at work and I was prompted to include details about my personal goals. I came across an illustration by Liz Fosslien comparing how we were taught to measure success and a new way to measure it — which struck a chord with me because she crystalized exactly how I felt.

What good is a big salary if your health is suffering? Or if you feel like you don’t have the time to show up as a parent because you’re too busy?

Her illustration reminded me of the famous speech by the former CEO of Coca-Cola, Brian Dyson, where he says to imagine that life is game of 5 balls that you manipulate in the air, trying to make sure they don’t hit the ground. These five balls are: work, family, health, friends, and soul. He explains that one of them is made of rubber and the rest are made of glass, and it will not be long before you realize that work is the rubber ball.

In her latest book, Big Feelings, Liz and her co-author, Mollie West Duffy, tackle feelings that bleed through work and life. It’s the modern manual to navigate feelings like uncertainty, anger, and despair. It’s when we suppress these emotions and don’t work through them — when they can fuel burnout.

“When you’re overwhelmed by big feelings, it can seem like you’re the only one who is struggling. But having difficult emotions doesn’t mean you’re malfunctioning. It means you’re human,” Liz explained during our interview.

One of the inflection points of Liz’s career was working as a barista at Starbucks over a decade ago after she experienced burnout as an economic consultant. She noticed how much effort the company put into thinking about their both the employee and guest experience.

She said the music and lighting change depending on the time of day. Some of the tables are circular so if you’re by yourself it doesn’t look like a table with empty seats. It was the combination of design thinking and how a manager can just be there in those moments when an employee might stumble or have questions — that was really cued into creating a positive emotional experience.

“People are so loyal to the brand. They’ve done a phenomenal job harnessing the power of emotions and creativity to build this billion dollar business. It was eye opening to me to see what was possible if you don’t suppress your feelings — there’s so much potential.”

Liz and I addressed some of the most common emotions people have had to navigate over the last few years. Unpacking our experiences and those she shared in the book helped normalize how to be okay when things are not okay.

Uncertainty

Liz had horrendous head pain in her 20s. She ended up at the ER and they tested her for everything. It turned out to be atypical migraines and she was put on a cocktail of medications. One of them was Topamax which caused severe mood swings so she decided to stop taking it. This medication actually requires you to taper it off so her sudden halt of medication threw her for a loop.

“I was on the L train in Chicago and it felt like a heart attack. I practically crawled off the train and felt a lot of shame around that. I decided I didn’t want to be on medication and it put me in a place of massive uncertainty.”

It was in that moment that Liz made some of the necessary changes in her life. She decided to make sleep a priority. She began to exercise regularly and incorporated acupuncture in her regimen.

“We think we’re going to feel like that forever. Things will change. When you’re in the throws of uncertainty or despair or any of these big feelings, it can feel impossible to even imagine your life can be anything else besides this state of agitation,” she explained.

Resilience

The “just be resilient” moniker hit its peak in mid 2020. It felt like resilience was being presented as the answer to everything. You’re a parent that’s struggling to work from home with no child care and no societal support? Just be resilient.

“What’s dangerous about that is that it puts the honnes entirely on the individual. And the truth is that resilience is useful and there are definitely coping strategies that we as individuals can implement that will make us feel better. But ultimately, it’s a lot easier to be resilient in an environment that makes it easy,” she said.

Liz explained for example, that if you work in a place where your boss is toxic and discriminates against you — you can write all the affirmations you want and journal things you’re grateful for and those might make you feel a tiny bit better, but that’s a terrible environment and there’s not much you can do to really thrive within it. It’s going to be monumentally harder than if you have a manager who supports you, makes you feel heard and invests in your development.

Anger

I was telling Liz this story about a co-worker I was upset with. He had no respect for his internal partners at work (including me). I figured the best solution was to outlast him because he was on the brink of retirement. “I won’t have to deal with him anymore!” I kept telling myself. Liz helped me realize that surpressing my anger can manifest into toxic emotions.

“We often don’t acknowledge that we are angry in a moment because we don’t want to be labeled as angry. We don’t see ourselves as someone who is full of rage. Anger is actually a useful signal that a violation has occurred or that we have some need that is not being addressed.”

Research that shows that when someone does something that’s a violation of your boundaries or that is really offensive or harmful to you — anger is a much healthier response than fear because the latter doesn’t motivate you to take action. Whereas anger often motivates us to advocate for ourselves and others.

Liz shared the remarkable story about the Pixar movie producer, Brad Bird, who would recruit animators who were frustrated with recent films they worked on. Brad would solicit feedback on what they should have done better. Eventually, these angry animators came up for the idea that led to The Incredibles movie which blew the box office with $623 million in revenue (fourth highest grossing film of 2004).

She explained that it’s important for leaders to recognize when someone is frustrated. It’s often not that they’re a bad employee, it’s that they may have visibility into a more efficient way to run the business.

“It’s okay to sit with that anger and say ‘It’s ok that I’m angry. I don’t need to lash out or hurt someone.’ It’s useful to know that something about this situation is telling you that something needs to change. It’s more productive to examine that than to suppress it and pretend nothing is wrong.”

Burnout

The first time I recognized burnout in my career was when I was working at Google. The performance expectations combined with the 4-hour commute was catching up to me. In Duke Robinson’s Too Nice for Your Own Good, he recalls the time he noticed he couldn’t whistle to call his dog because his central nervous system had shut down. That was exactly how I felt. I vividly remember my manager asking me if I could “do this for another quarter,” in which I responded that I could not.

Liz shared her episode with burnout in late 2020 where she thought she was superhuman but her flame was burning out. One of the most dangerous parts about burnout is the lack of self-awareness.

Liz’s father in law was dying from cancer. Professionally, she was working on her new book while balancing the logistics for cancer care. She thought she was crushing it.

“I was feeling all these emotions. But if I actually stopped to think how crazy my life was I would have broken down. In the moment I was getting hit from all sides but I felt unstoppable.”

She got horrendously sick and her body could not sustain the adrenaline-fueled intensity.

“Something had to give. In hindsight, I should have taken time off work. I felt manic and unhealthy. The moment you feel like you cannot take a break, that’s when you probably need to take one,” she explained.

Liz and Mollie often conducts leadership workshops on subjects like becoming an emotionally fluent leader and building belonging within hybrid teams at work. I was curious to know if the leaders she works with ask about burnout.

“I feel like leaders will often ask, how can I help my team combat burnout? How can I help my organization invest in well-being. One of the things I always ask is when was the last time you took a vacation? And they often don’t have an answer. I think it’s wonderful that they care about their people, but you need to set the example. By not taking the vacation or ever turning off, your implicitly communicating that you don’t condone it. Actually, the best thing you can do for your people is lead by example.”

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Click here to listen to the full interview with Liz Fosslien