Emotional Intelligence Executive Master Coach at InLight Coaching. Let EI enhance your career and relationships with EQi-2/360® Assessments.
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Listening is such an automatic process that most of us don't realize that if not done properly, it can cause problems, hurt feelings and missed connections. Of course, I’m not referring to everyday listening like hearing our televisions, tweeting birds and the neighbor’s leaf blower. I'm talking about listening to another person talk and really understanding what they are saying. This is transformational listening, and when it is done right, it can foster not only enhanced communication but greater connection and trust.
When listening is merely transient or transactional, it can not only impede the sharing of information and knowledge but can actually set up barriers to effective discussion and understanding. With that in mind, let’s define our terms.
Transient, Transactional And Transformational Listening
There are three levels of listening. The first level, transient listening, is one-sided and self-focused. You may look like you are listening, but you’re not really paying attention to what the other person is saying. You’re just waiting for your turn to talk. The vacuity of this kind of listening tends to be obvious.
The next level, transactional listening, is better but still one-sided. With transactional listening, you are intently focused on the speaker, but all the while part of your brain is concerned with what you can do for this person. You are thinking about how to solve their problem or what you can say to console or commiserate. Unfortunately, this focus on being helpful actually causes you to miss the opportunity to connect.
Transformational listening is the ideal form of listening because the focus is shared between the speaker and the listener. You, the listener, listen without being distracted by yourself or being overly invested in trying to come up with a solution. This allows true connection and facilitates intimacy between speaker and listener. So let’s talk more about transformational listening.
How Transformational Listening Works
The good work that transformational listening does has been substantiated and explained by scientific research. Studies have found that transformational listening stimulates the production of oxytocin, the feel-good hormone that helps people bond and collaborate. The rapport you build through this deep listening ensures that everyone feels safe and trusted, so you and your conversational partners become more open and candid and less guarded and cautious, thus more likely to show the vulnerability that is essential to a deeper relationship.
Transformational listening means entering a conversation open-mindedly, with minimal preconceptions. You explore the full potential of the conversation by allowing it to go where it logically leads without thinking too much about yourself or the other person. You leave room for possibility, which means you leave room for transformation.
Of course, not all conversations are transformational. That is okay. Sometimes we just need to exchange facts or information, and other times we may need to solve a problem quickly. However, it’s crucial to recognize when these merely transient or transactional conversations are useful or necessary and when deeper, transformational or generative listening is called for.
Listening Styles
In addition to the general categories of transient, transactional and transformational listening, each person also has an individual listening style. For example, you might be a people-oriented listener who can sense others’ emotional states and needs. You may be an action-oriented listener aimed at getting results (if this is the case, you're likely prone to transactional listening). Or you may be content-oriented, taking in data and trying on different perspectives, sometimes leading to lengthier conversations than those with other listening styles might prefer.
If you are conversing with someone with a similar listening style, you may already be one step closer to transformational listening, as it’s easier to build rapport. If not, you need to learn how to adjust your listening style to theirs. If you don’t, you and your fellow conversationalists are likely to talk past one another and even at cross-purposes.
These different styles may exist within any of the three different levels of listening we’ve been talking about. But since we’ve striving for transformational conversations, let’s remember that regardless of style, the gold standard is the connection that transformational listening brings.
How To Listen
Learning how to listen actively and transformationally takes work. It may not come naturally to you. However, with practice, which you can do with every conversation, it will come. Like any skill, think about it and hone it and you will get better at it.
In practicing transformational listening, first of all, concentrate on paying attention to the person with whom you’re in conversation. Pay attention to their mood. How do they seem to feel? Are they energized, tired, happy or sad? What is the context of the conversation? Ask yourself about the dynamic of your larger group; is anything notable going on in society that could be impacting how everyone is feeling in general?
Keep yourself grounded and present in the conversation. Yes, your thoughts will occasionally wander (this happens to all of us), but bring them back and refocus as soon as you can. And, again, if you are already thinking of a response, you aren’t listening!
Don’t be afraid of silence. Much better to experience a perhaps awkward silence than to blurt out something you might regret. And know the purpose of your conversation: Should it be transformational?
Transformational listening takes more time and a more purposeful approach in each conversation, but it pays off. Start each conversation with your mind, heart and ears wide open.
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