Caring is essential to our shared humanity; it fosters compassion and empathy. However, it can also ... [+]
Imagine your loved one in need of neurosurgery. Would you prefer a doctor who genuinely cares about their well-being, or one who operates as 'a cold, heartless machine, totally at one with scalpel, drill and saw'? In the book "The Wisdom of Psychopaths," the author shares a chilling anecdote about a psychopathic neurosurgeon who claims his indifference to his patients' lives allows him to perform without pressure, leading to better outcomes. This paradox raises a crucial question: How can we maintain our humanity and compassion while ensuring that our caring nature doesn't hinder our performance, particularly in difficult conversations?
The Two Sides of Caring
Caring is essential to our shared humanity; it fosters compassion and empathy. However, it can also be the root of performance anxiety. In emotionally charged conversations, our concern for the other person's feelings and our desire to preserve relationships may cloud our judgment and negatively impact the outcome.
The solution lies not in eliminating our capacity to care but rather in shifting our focus. We cannot, and should not, suppress our empathy and concern for others, but we can learn to prioritize other aspects of communication. Enter the concepts of mission and message.
Mission and Message: The Key to Managing Emotions
The mission refers to the objective of the conversation, while the message encompasses the verbal and nonverbal communication used to achieve that objective. By focusing on these elements, we can prevent our caring nature from becoming a distraction.
Take, for example, a salary negotiation with your boss. If you concentrate solely on not offending them, your message may become unclear and ineffective. By focusing on the mission (securing a salary increase) and crafting a clear message that achieves this goal without causing undue harm, you can better navigate this challenging conversation.
You are not responsible for the emotional response of others, but you are responsible for delivering your message in a way that minimizes unnecessary emotional turmoil. Recognizing that some discomfort may be inevitable in difficult conversations, we must prioritize the mission and the message over our fear of causing emotional distress.
Mission and Message as a Mantra
When faced with a tough conversation, remind yourself of the importance of the mission and the message. This mantra can help you maintain focus on what truly matters, ultimately leading to better outcomes. Embracing our capacity to care while learning to prioritize the mission and the message can help us perform better in difficult conversations. By focusing on what truly matters, we can ensure that our caring nature becomes an asset rather than a liability.
