Why You Need to Stop “Why Questions”
Well-timed questions provide new perspectives on problems. Stupid questions add stress.
Little Mary runs to mommy, tears running down her face. Mommy says, “What happened?” Mary says, “Bobby hit me.” Mom heads to the sandbox, Mary in tow. “Bobby, did you hit Mary?” Little Bobby, proud of his crime says, “Yes!”
At this point, Mommy asks a stupid question. “Why did you hit your sister?” Bosses ask stupid questions too.
Adversarial conversations:
“Why questions” create adversarial conversations.
Suppose Tardy Tim (T.T.) is usually late for meetings. You explain expectations. “Time is important. Being on time shows respect. I expect you to be on time to our meetings.” T.T. apologizes and commits to being on time. But he’s late for the next meeting.
Don’t ask a stupid question after someone misses the mark. “Why were you late?” is a stupid question.
When you ask, “Why were you late?” T.T. explains he was busy, or he lost track of time, or a customer called, or his watch broke, or there was an important matter on the floor, or he had to pee.
“Why questions”:
“Why questions” assume valid reasons. “Why did you hit your sister?” is an invitation for a reason. There is NO reason to hit your sister. It doesn’t matter that she hit you first.
“Why questions” create adversarial conversations. When you ask Tardy Tim why he was late, he has “good” reasons. What happens next? You explain why his reasons aren’t good enough (adversarial conversation). You might say, “Tim, that’s not a good reason.” Do you really care why T.T. is late?
A better question:
Don’t ask why. Ask what. “What are you going to do next time to ensure you arrive on time?”
When are “why questions” important?
What happens when you ask, “What are you going to do next time?”
Still curious:
Smart Help – 7 Questions to Ask Before Helping
The Best Leaders Ask Questions That Work
Great lesson today.
I learned long ago in an addictions course for supervisors (We were told then that we’re no more qualified to diagnose an addictions problem than we are a brain tumor. All we can do is observe the performance of an employee, then bring that to their attention.) never to ask an employee “Why.” Doung so only gives them a reason to unload and shift the burden of responsibility over onto someone or something else.
The better approach is indeed to use the word “What.”
Thanks, R.J. I was not aware how “what questions” played a role in addiction courses. More managers probably need to take these courses. I appreciate you jumping in today.
Been ditching* “why” for years. And I love the “for what purpose?” question instead of why. It invites a deeper consideration. Using your Tardy Tim example – asking TT “for what purpose were you late”… opens up the response of “well, for no good purpose”… and then the “what will you do next time”? discussion starts. Or, maybe there was a purpose… maybe he dislikes his job, etc, and that means you can get stuck into a deeper issue.
*after decades, it’s still work-in-progress.
Thanks for adding to the conversation, blogist. Wonderful suggestion. I’m with you. Always exploring new ways of doing things. Nothing is perfect.
I am a big fan of “Toyota’s 5-Whys” to get to the root cause of problems. Perhaps avoiding “why” questions when it comes to addressing behavioral challenges should be the distinction versus process and procedural issues?
Thanks, Jordan. “Why” is great when exploring purpose. When something is broken, asking why makes sense when you’re looking for root causes. We spend too much time fixing symptoms.
Your distinction makes sense. Perhaps, asks yourself, Am I inviting an excuse when I ask why? My suggestion is try to avoid unnecessary stress. You don’t have to convince anyone that behavioral problems are harmful. There is no good reason to blow up at your team, for example. “Why did you lose your cool,” might be helpful if you want people to reflect on their triggers. I’m a fan of turning conversations to the future. What will you do when you’re triggered next time to avoid blowing up?”
Thanks again for a thoughtful response.
I really like the 5 whys approach to problem solving too. I also LOVE Simon Sinek’s “Start with Why– Learn how great leaders and organizations inspire action and create a lasting impact. ” Here’s his Ted Talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/simon_sinek_how_great_leaders_inspire_action
I love the reminder to not ask “Why?” in situations identified as problematic or unacceptable. In the same way, I would always encourage management to “Explain the Why’ when sharing policies and procedures, so people are presented the logic and not left to think the P&Ps are ‘Because I said so’ issues. As always – thanks Dan!
Wonderful addition, Mary. There’s energy in purpose. When we know why something matters it’s easier to align. Cheers.
When folks ask me for some piece of information, I used to ask why they needed to know that. I started doing that after realizing that what folks ask for is often different from what they actually need. (Not to mention my tendency to provide a little too much information: you ask for the time, and I tell you how to make a watch.) I changed that a few years back to “How do you plan to use the information?”. I even stuck a post-it note with that sentence to my laptop, to remind me.
Thanks for sharing your insight, Jennifer. “How” feels less like an accusation than “why”. And your reflection that you give too much information is so helpful. It’s easy to answer the wrong question or speak to the wrong situation. It seems questions save time and energy.
To invite a conversation, I would say to T.T. “last time we met, we talked about the importance of being on time and you agreed. You made the commitment to be on time. You were late to the last meeting. What happened? Are there things you can put into place so that in the future?”
Using this language you are describing the gap between the expected behavior and the actual behavior.
Accountability is critical
Thanks, Nick. A “what” question can be helpful. If mommy asked, “What did you do,” when Bobby hits Mary, it can be useful. Mommy will probably hear excuses, but if she asks another time or two, the answer is, “I hit Mary.”
My favorite why question is the back-handed advice version. You say, “boy, I’m really tired lately” and they respond “Why don’t you go to bed earlier?” It neatly encapsulates their preferred solution along with assumption that you have to justify not following it because of course their solution is great.
I know the “why don’t you…” structure is a common shorthand but it really does make my brain freeze. “Why” asks my brain to think of justifications. But if the solution isn’t even relevant (I’m tired because I spent all night in the ER), I have to unwind several layers of assumptions that were never discussed. And I have to deal with the implied superiority and sound ungrateful if I disagree with the solution. Plus it shifts the focus on to their solution and off of my problem (the point of the conversation being about me, of course!)
The takeaway is that words matter. And considering your desired outcome will help you use the correct interrogative.
I have had the problem that asking why more than once is heard by the other person as me not getting the answer (because I’m an idiot, of course) rather than as drilling deep down. So you need to make it clear up front what you are doing.
Thanks, Elizabeth. Of course it’s all about you…! 😉 Love that. And the takeaway is so true that so easy to forget. And, the more authority you have the more they matter. Cheers.
Being a retired educational leader, “who” seemed to come up alot. People are messy and dealing with them always brings the “why.” You continue to offer so many important skills and tips like this one today. Thanks! Leaders need to be well trained in language that creates a sense of personal safety rather than threat. Tasha Eurich, in her book, Insight, says “Why questions draw us to our limitations, what questions help us see our potential. Why questions stir up negative emotions, what questions keep us curious. Why questions trap us in our past; what questions help us create a better future.” She recommends “why” questions should be avoided for individuals; why questions are best with team and organizations. I presume you are familiar with her and just wanted to add to your wonderful gift to us! thanks
Hi Kathryn. Thanks for your insights re: when “why” is best. It makes sense and is helpful to me. Language matters. 🙂
As a social worker and forensic interviewer I was taught not to ask why questions. Why leads to defensiveness. When having interviews with clients or conversations with others, I am constantly thinking ahead so that I can get the answers I am seeking without having to ask why. It’s a pattern that takes awhile to get used to.
Nicely put, Kelli. “why” leads to defensiveness. I’ve said, “Why feels like an accusation.” I like the way you put it. Thank you.