Never Answer the Question You’re Asked Until You do 3 Things
You love giving answers, but great answers to wrong questions are wearisome.
Irrelevance is annoying.
Wrong questions:
Don’t expect honest responses for accusations. “Why did you do that?” might feel genuine to you, but coming from the boss it’s an accusation.
Don’t deflect with fake curiosity. Avoidance is manipulation. People become distrustful when they notice avoidance.
Don’t use the Socratic method when it’s not a teaching moment. Socrates used inquiry to elicit truth from students. “Every situation isn’t a teaching moment. “Where is the restroom?” is not a teaching moment.
Never answer a question until you do 3 things:
#1. Express gratitude.
“Thanks for asking.”
You might be irritated at an interruption but seeking your perspective shows respect.
#2. Clarify purpose.
You interpret questions through your perspective and respond as if you had asked it yourself. You waste your breath until you understand intent. Assume you don’t.
- Irrelevant answers distract listeners.
- Detailed answers drain energy when simple answers are satisfactory.
- Long answers frustrate everyone except the speaker.
In job interviews people say, “Tell me about yourself.” Don’t begin with, “I was born.”
Seek clarity before you respond. “Thanks for asking. Could you help me focus my response? What areas most interest you?” Or, “I don’t want to bore you with unnecessary details. What areas of my life are relevant to you?”
Always clarify purpose, but don’t ask, “Why?” Ask, “What?” Unless you’re careful with tone, ‘why’ feels like an accusation.
Clarify purpose by asking…
- What makes this important to you?
- What causes this question to come to mind?
- What situation are you trying to solve?
- What are you trying to solve?
#3. Let people know they matter.
Genuine interest tells people they matter. Everyone wants to feel like they matter.
How do you figure out what people really want to know?
Still curious:
15 Questions that Change the Way People Think
The Best Leaders Ask Questions That Work
I appreciate this post because I just answer the question and am guilty of rambling on and on, attempting to justify or whatever, draining myself and of course the person who asked the question! Thank you Dan!
Same here. It’s simpler to give a short answer and ask, “What else would you like to know?”
Good stuff, Dan! Thanks so much for really useful tips and ideas!
It’s my pleasure, Gerry.
If someone asks you the time, don’t tell them how to make a watch.
Bingo! And don’t say, “What’s important to you about that?”
How do you figure out what people really want to know?
I usually say, “Before I respond to your question, what’s your goal regarding this situation?”
Knowing what they are trying to accomplish helps me focus my comments.
The short lead-in to the question means so much. It sets a context and softens the tone.
I’m forwarding this on to my team to hold me accountable!
Be careful what you ask for! 🙂
Great post! It reminds us to respond instead of reacting
Nicely put, Philip. Stay warm.
Been away from reading these posts for a while because I thought I was… busy. Well, better not being busy then, because today’s one is again spot on and so practical! Thanks for this one!
Thank you Arjan
#4 Follow-up after some time, as appropriate, assuming that the Q&A stimulates an action or change.
Wonderful add! Thank you