Helping
“Helping the disabled,” both the phrase and the concept, can come across as obviously positive – but at the same time surprisingly uncomfortable.
It is the textbook version of a “Good Deed” – kind, uncomplicated, and seemingly apolitical, itself a potential relief in these politically polarized times. Yet, for actual disabled people, “helping the disabled,” like its predecessor “helping the handicapped” has awkward associations. Done right, and with the right mindset, help from other people can liberate and empower disabled people, and bolster their dignity. But the urge to help can just as easily lead to condescension, miscommunication, and even physical danger.
So, “helping people with disabilities” is more than a sweet sentiment. It’s complicated. And that is exactly why it’s a topic worth exploring. It raises questions worth asking. Why do we want to help people with disabilities? And how can we do it most effectively and respectfully?
Here are three answers to start with – two that probably should be obvious, and one that might be surprising and more challenging than expected.
1. Ask if your help is wanted.
Always ask first. Never dive in and impose help on a disabled person unless it's an emergency and they literally can't communicate in any way at all.
Why? First of all, there are safety concerns with any kind of physical, hands-on assistance, especially where people with disabilities are concerned. And even non-physical “advice” can unintentionally lead to bad outcomes.
But it’s not just a practical issue. It’s about consent and dignity. It’s obviously wrong to put your hands on, move, or manipulate any person without their agreement. Unfortunately, disabled people’s apparent need, and other people’s mix of charitable and sometimes obsessive motives often make them forget this when dealing with disabled people. Disabled people are far too often treated like objects or small children – in need not just of agreeable assistance, but of handling and supervision. Disabled people endure this attitude and treatment all the time. Enduring unwanted but well-intentioned “help” is annoying, sometimes dangerous, but always exhausting to people with disabilities. That’s why it’s so important to make sure you aren’t contributing to them yourself.
Don’t let that stop you though. If you want to help, and think it might be genuinely useful or needed, make an open-ended offer that lets them decide. For example:
- "Is there any way I can help you?"
- "Let me know if you'd like some assistance."
- "Just tell me what will work best for you."
And remember that except in the most dire emergencies, your perception of disabled peoples’ needs must always come second to what a particular disabled person in a specific situation actually wants.
2. Do as you are asked.
If the answer is “Yes!,” ask the disabled person how they want you to help. Disabled people know what they need better than you do. And if their answer to your offer of help is “No,” then agree politely and leave it at that. Respect their decision, and try your best not to feel personally rejected or offended.
Either way, yes or no, don't insist on helping the way you want to help, or the way you think is best for the disabled person. For instance:
- Your instinct might be to grab a blind person and walk them across a busy intersection. They may not need your help at all. And even if they are glad for your assistance, they still need to instruct you on how to be a safe and respectful guide.
- You might impulsively leap ahead to a door open for someone in a wheelchair. But if you don't do it the way they ask, the situation can, (and quite often does), get awkward. You can easily end up just getting in the wheelchair user’s way.
- You are excited to buy an adaptive product that looks cool and useful to you for a disabled friend. But adaptive products work best when the disabled person can research, test, and select them personally. Ask before you buy.
Remember that the purpose of being helpful is helping the other person, not making yourself feel good, or exerting control over a situation that’s bothering you. This may seem obvious. But it can be a surprisingly hard principle to follow in real life situations.
3. Support disabled people's needs and priorities in policy and politics.
If you are eager to help a particular disabled person, you might also consider how you can help disabled people more broadly with some of the systemic problems that cause them to need help in the first place. Occasionally engaging in social or political advocacy on disability issues can be an excellent addition to personal, charitable assistance to disabled individuals. Here are some ideas on how to translate your charitable instinct towards people with disabilities into meaningful political action:
- Go ahead and pay for the coffee of the wheelchair user behind you in line. But then consider supporting programs that stabilize disabled people's incomes, like Supplemental Security Income, Social Security Disability, Medicare, and Medicaid. Take up the fight against possible cuts, and maybe even argue for expansion of these programs so disabled people have less need for individual charity.
- Offer to help a disabled aunt or uncle with household chores. But then join the fight for #FairPay4HomeCare, #CareCantWait, and similar efforts to better fund home care services so all who need them can get them.
- Sometimes policy activism is actually a much better substitute for what can seem like obviously "good deeds." Instead of supporting "special" proms for "special needs" high school students, consider advocating for all school proms and events to be fully inclusive to everyone, including all students with disabilities.
If you don't know where to start with disability policy and politics, find disabled activists you can relate to and trust, and respond when they ask for advocacy support.
A lot depends on our true motives for wanting to help people with disabilities. But while motives are important, don't overthink it. Also remember that it's okay not to help. You don’t have to offer if you don’t want to. And you can always say no if a disabled person asks. There can be many good reasons to say no, like your capability and their safety. But it's also okay if you just don't want to.
What is most important is that your help is what the disabled person needs, what the disability community needs, and that as much as possible, you follow their lead.
