After Giving Tough Feedback Good Bosses Do 5 Things
Bosses think, “I’m kicking you in the pants and I want you to like it.”
Bosses call it constructive feedback. Maybe it feels like a punch to the face?
People bleed after tough feedback. Maybe you are the 20% who stand up, salute, and joyfully shout, “Kick me again, please!” But *80% either actively or passively look for new employment.
I prefer a pat on the head to a punch to the face.
Think back to corrective feedback you have received. How did you feel? Angry, embarrassed, discouraged, hurt, resentful, confused, ashamed, defensive. Did you complain to others? Did you sulk at work?
5 things great bosses do after giving tough feedback:
1. Monitor responses.
If you’re not concerned about responses, you should be. Are shoulders drooping? Maybe it’s anger or resentment. Don’t judge. Don’t pretend everything’s OK. Just notice.
2. Provide space.
Corrective feedback stirs up stress. Stress makes you stupid, moody, negative, and unproductive. Stress-inducing feedback shrinks your brain. Give people a few days to lick their wounds.
3. Approach with empathy.
Tell a story about when you felt hurt and angry after receiving tough feedback.
“Hey, Mary. Maybe you don’t feel this way, but I felt angry and resentful after receiving tough feedback. It hurt.” Be specific and let people glimpse your frailty.
Gently ask, “What’s going on for you?”
Listen to their response. Acknowledge. Don’t probe too deep.
4. Turn forward.
Acknowledge negative responses.
Remid them of their aspirations. Good bosses know people’s aspirations.
Gently ask, “How would you like to serve your future self right now?” Or
“What will move you toward your aspirations?”
5. Offer support.
Let people know they matter to you. You’re counting on them. Don’t offer to do their job. Don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. Ask, “How can I help?”
What do good bosses do after delivering tough feedback?
Dig deeper:
Refresh your awareness of stress: How to Move from Stupid to Smart when You’re Stressed
Give feedback skillfully: 3 Ways to Give Feedback that Works
*Why Employees Are Fed Up With Feedback
Hey Dano,
Got to love those insensitive Autocratic leaders. Hard to believe they feel as though a stern tongue lashing will whip ‘m into shape. All it does is create division between you and your people while it renders the leader ineffective, creates poor morale and negatively effects your bottom line.
Hey, how about coming along side the employee let them know that you have Faith in them. Set some obtainable goals for them and when they reach those goals publicly acknowledge them with a sincere “Atta-Boy”, & stand back to watch them grow.
Silly Autocratic leaders. “When will they learn.”
Hava good one Dan
SGT Steve
Hi Steve, I’m glad you added your insights today. I’ve experienced some very important growth points after hearing tough feedback.
I remember Kim Scott saying she received tough feedback from Cheryl Sandberg. Cheryl told suggested she could improve her public speaking. She brushed it off. Eventual Cheryl had to say, “When say, “UM,” all the time you look stupid.”
They trusted each other. And Cheryl tried to be gentler, but some of us have hard heads.
However, I agree with you. Positive feedback is motivating. Bad is stronger than good by about 5:1. A little correction goes a long way.
People need lots of encouragement.
On another note, if you told me I was doing something that didn’t serve my aspirations and showed me how to do it better… I’d be thankful.
I think there’s a difference between a supervisor who gives tough/constructive feedback, and the boss who kicks you and wants you to like it. I had a couple of those bosses who were “kickers” and looking back, I realize they were abusive. The first one was bad, and he was followed by someone who was worse. Working for those two was like being a dog who went from being beaten and kicked, to being a dog who was beaten, kicked, poisoned, and shot. It’s amazing that anybody survived! I don’t think those supervisors had any idea of how to give feedback. You have to know your employees. Some just need a suggestion on how to improve. Others need something stronger than a suggestion, but I want to believe that “kicking” is not the answer.
Thanks Jessica. Sorry to read about the lousy bosses you experienced. Now you know what not to do and there’s some real value in that.
You mention knowing your employees. So true. Know their strengths, temperament, and especially know their aspirations. Anyone who can help us get where we want to go deserves respect.
After giving the negative feedback, look for and reinforce any positive behaviors.
Thank you, Paul.
I love the question about serving your future self. I think it introduces a helpful distance combined with a hopeful view of the future. Let’s pay attention to this other person, your future self, and talk about how your current self can help them.
Observing the difference between the swift kick approach vs the Cheryl Sandburg approach, I noticed that Cheryl eventually worked around to being factual & specific and she gave Kim consequences.
If she had said at the beginning that the frequent use of “Um” was causing a diminished perception of reliability would Kim have heard her sooner? Maybe Cheryl tried to sugarcoat the feedback to the point it wasn’t useful. What does “work on your public speaking” even mean?
I’m probably guilty of being vague out of concern for feelings–mine as much as theirs! But thinking about giving specific feedback to help the future self of an employee feels much more hopeful.
Thanks for jumping in Elizabeth. I should mention that I was working from a recollection that could be wrong. However, your suggestions are wonderful.
Be kind and candid. A strong relationship makes a lot of difference too.
What do good bosses do after delivering tough feedback?
– Affirm their value and worth
– Call to the greatness in them
– Let them know that you want them to succeed and will give them all of the direction and support that they ask for.
There it is, Brian. Thanks for contributing.
Thanks Dan, as usual you are very thoughtful. I was excited to read your question – “How would you like to serve your future self-right now?” I found Marcus Buckingham’s comments on feedback very helpful. https://hbr.org/webinar/2022/11/why-feedback-doesnt-work-and-what-to-do-instead
I like to use the Emotional Culture Deck cards for challenging conversations.