7 Ways Manipulators Get What They Want
We passively accept the manipulative lies advertisers use to get our money.
“Open a Coke, open happiness.”
“Wheaties, breakfast of champions.”
“All Natural … All Burger” Carl’s Jr. with a naked woman eating a burger.
Amateur manipulators:
Little Mary knows screaming in the grocery store will get her a candy bar. So, she screams.
Little Johnny doesn’t want to get ready for bed. Daddy says, “You can stay up 15 minutes if you put on your jammies now.”
Master Manipulators:
The goal of manipulation is control.
Jim Jones and Charles Manson were master manipulators. Manson convinced followers to kill people. Jones manipulated over 900 people to kill themselves.
Politicians use fear to manipulate people into conformity, motivate constituencies, and elevate personal status.
How manipulators get what they want:
#1. Flattery.
May West was right when she said, “Flattery will get you everywhere.” Studies show that flattery works even when the boss knows it’s flattery. Kissing up works.
Sincerity distinguishes compliment from flattery.
#2. Curiosity.
A salesperson pretends to be interested in you, but unethical salespeople only care about selling.
#3. Pressure.
Bob Burg taught me that escalating pressure is the sure sign you’re dealing with a manipulator. When they don’t get what they want, pressure increases. You’ll see more anger, guilt, shame, and/or intimidation.
#4. Incompetence.
A manipulator told me that when she doesn’t want to do something, she starts asking questions until her boss gives up and does it himself or gets someone else.
#5. Policy:
Leaders who hide in the shadows use bureaucratic red tape to block progress.
#6. Ultimatum.
This offer is only good today.
#7. Sarcasm.
Manipulative sarcasm is designed to make you feel small.
- I can’t believe you think that.
- I was joking.
- Can’t you take a joke?
Manipulation happens when someone secretly disadvantages you for personal advantage.
How have you seen manipulation in organizational life?
What suggestions do you have for overcoming manipulation?
How have you seen manipulation in organizational life? Sure, you will receive a reward if you have no injuries for a year. Soon they stop submitting injury reports for a jacket or some other trinket. I know may organizations have stopped the rewards due to what I just mentioned , it leads to misrepresentation.
What suggestions do you have for overcoming manipulation? Do what is right, as we should know the differences between right and wrong. If you think what you see as wrong, than stick to your moral obligations. The simplest could be setting down with those in charge and show the portrayal of what you see. Granted others may shed a different light
Thanks Tim. Carrots and sticks can be manipulative in a negative way. You’re illustration is powerful. There are call centers that reward people by how many calls they take. In the end, customers feel like call reps don’t care because they are in a hurry.
“Just do the right thing,” is a wonderful mantra.
What gets measured gets done; what gets rewarded gets done again. So start by figuring out what you want to measure and how. Then think about how folks might game the system.
I used to work as a therapist in a skilled nursing facility. The administrators would post in an email all the therapists who did not submit 17 billable hours a day. We were told we needed to manage our time better.
The focus became on agency profit vs patient care. I resigned .
Thanks Ruth. Your comment reminds me of Zappos. Stay on the phone until you solve/resolve the concern. It doesn’t matter how long it takes.
How have you seen manipulation in organizational life?
Dan, I don’t often “LOL'” but I literally chuckled when reading this question. I spent over 40 years in local law enforcement, and 37 of those years working for 5 elected sheriffs in two different counties. As in most if not all political organizations, these agencies were at times hotbeds of manipulation (or at least attempted manipulation) by individuals both within and without, and from outside organizational interests hoping to influence agency direction and purpose. It seems that there was always some individual or clique jockeying for power and influence, trying (paraphrasing your post) to disadvantage others for their own personal or group advantage. Particularly after each election cycle, some folks were busy attempting to parley their influence to get promotions or more desirable assignments either for themselves or close associates. Maintaining a meritocracy within my area of responsibility was a challenge. Thankfully those sheriff’s were usually -although not always- able to spot the selfish manipulators and thwart their efforts. I could write a book.
What suggestions do you have for overcoming manipulation?
Several years ago (it was before I retired in 2014) you wrote a blog post in a similar vein, and you mentioned a book by Bob Burg, “Adversaries to Allies,” which deals with the topic of how to influence people and win them over without manipulation or coercion, temping though it may be at times. I bought and read the book and found a lot of the information equally valuable to spot signs that someone is trying to manipulate you, and how to draw out and counter attempts at manipulation. Opening that book again this morning, I found notes that I had copied from your blog post that contained the following:
“Overcoming manipulation:
-Identify what they want. Keep their goal at the forefront. Ask yourself, “What are they after?”
-Clarify what you want.
-Identify shared and/or conflicting goals.
-Avoid compliance based on avoiding bad feelings.
-Learn to say no.”
I would say that’s a pretty good list!
Thanks Jim. Loved reading your comment. I feel like the dark side of politics is all about manipulation. There is political game-play that may not be designed to disadvantage. I’m not sure if we might call that ethical manipulation or not.
When I scanned your list of ways to overcome manipulation I thought it was yours. And then I read more closely. It’s odd how I was excited to read the ideas when I thought they were yours. When I learned they were mine I was surprised. Thanks.
PS … thanks for mentioning Bob’s book. It’s on my shelf and is definitely a worthwhile read.
All of the examples above seem to be normal, standard management practices and techniques. As such, they’re pretty much daily features in organisational life, whether in the private or public sectors (you get control-driven people in both…).
Ways of avoiding it seem limited, but being totally detached, logical and fact-driven does seem to help. If you can ignore appeals to emotion, satisfaction or a better nature, that’s the way.
Thanks Mitch. I’ve been wondering about ethical manipulation. Something Emily mentions below. Perhaps the idea of win-win situations speak to ways that manipulation might be ethical.
I can see the value of cutting through emotion. What do you really want? How does it serve our mission? What does it cost me? How does it value you? … are questions we could ask from a logical point of view.
The idea of transparency or lack there of keeps coming to mind.
Not all manipulation is bad. It can be done with sincere intentions and get things done.
Thanks Emily. I’m glad you mention this. You might call ethical manipulation – influence.
There’s that odd fine line .. I think Emily may be talking about it … when we spill from convincing to manipulating, I think our ego’s carry us there.
We need to self vaccinate against that.
Hi Dan,
I’m actually drawn to conclude that there must be some acceptable manipulation or ethical manipulation as you noted. Whilst you define manipulation as someone disadvantaged for another’s benefit… I think it is possible to manipulate and have both persons benefit. I don’t think we need to tie manipulation to disadvantage. If you think of what we do with our kids as parents, it is manipulation writ large…but, everyone benefits. Yes, the kid may feel thwarted and disadvantaged today, but it’s all for their own good in the end. This is why we usually reminisce as adults, realizing that our parents were right all along…even if it didn’t feel that way. Can it still be called manipulation if both parties benefit?
Some thoughts. Humans in a work setting generally want to help others. Manipulators are well aware of that and take advantage of the goodness of others. Sometimes it starts small, but it always works up to where good people are taken advantage of. Sometimes it’s incompetence and not wanting to be held accountable, other times it’s just pure laziness.
Where this can become seriously bad is when leaders refuse to recognize a manipulator who is taking advantage of others.
Manipulating others to avoid work or accountability should not be a career goal.
Phil’s comment reminded me of conversations with a friend who at the time was a politician here in Oz. Our conversations were around the ideas behind ‘best practice’ which was then coming into being here, and particularly not ‘blindly endorsing’ it. There were also conversations around manipulation as opposed to exploitation where the focus, as Phil and others have commented was on manipulation benefiting both parties. The central idea I took was that if I know I’m being manipulated I have choices about what comes next.
It seems to me that if someone is doing work worthy of promotion, yet does not receive a promotion, while others forge on ahead, there is something going on in the background that will need to be addressed to move forward in any kind of positive way. What about writing up a job description of what you want (along with level, pay, etc.) and sitting down in a 1-on-1 and asking the question, “What would it take to move to this?” Stay curious. Include the things you are already doing that are not officially in your current job description. Might give some clues as to what is going on. In my own experience, when you are passed over for promotion, it is time to go. But that question is still worth asking for some insight and closure.