How the Right Kind of Praise Fuels Big Potential
I just finished the fourth book on February’s reading list, Big Potential: How Transforming the Pursuit of Success Raises Our Achievement, Happiness, and Well-Being by Shawn Achor.
It’s was well worth the read.
Favorite quote: “We all have power to make others better.”
A takeaway: Stop comparison praise.
“You’re the smartest person in the room,” is comparing not praising. What happens when she isn’t the smartest person in the room?
Don’t prop people up by kicking others down.
Shawn says, “Do not compliment at the expense of others.” Eliminate “est”. You are the best, fastest, smartest, prettiest.
Sexiest man alive:
While writing this, I thought about the sexiest man alive.
Blake Shelton is the sexiest man alive according to People Magazine. I like how Shelton makes fun of his sexiness. But the list is a form of propping up by kicking down.
What about former sexiest men like Dwayne Johnson, Adam Levine, or my personal favorite George Clooney? Gee! If I could just be as sexy as George Clooney life would be complete.
“If you want to enhance others do not compare them. … Nothing undercuts big potential more than comparison praise.” Shawn Achor
Rather than comparing, say “I admire the way you spoke calmly to that angry customer.”
Next level praise:
Invite recipients of praise to teach you. For example, “How did you learn to be so calm under stress?”
What books do you suggest for March’s reading list?
February’s list included:
Powerful: Building a Culture of Freedom and Responsibility by Patty McCord. (Done)
When: The Scientific Secret to Perfect Timing by Daniel Pink. (Done)
Talent Magnet: How to Attract and Keep the Best People by Mark Miller. See this morning’s post for a chance to Talent Magnet. (Done)
The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups by Daniel Coyle is next.
Comparing unfortunately starts in childhood. In adulthood this comparing can hinders one’s confidence when one constantly compares oneself against another making them feel inadequate in the work place.
What I learnt today from your insight Dan, is to focus on others as individuals possessing unique skills, talents and abilities and learn from them.
Thanks Gerry. You’re so right. We teach our children to compare by comparing them with others. You’re the best looking, smartest kid your classroom. …. UGH!
Better to compliment hard work and character, without comparing them to others.
Interesting.
Comparison praising can slip by almost unnoticed in how easy it can appear just as praise until you take a moment to think about what was just said.
Comparing ourselves to others is a great breeding ground for dissatisfaction. That may fuel the drive for success, but it also can fuel negativity and possibly depression.
Similar to Shawn’s work on reversing how we look at happiness. (I’m paraphrasing, and Shawn may not appreciate his years of work put into this short sentence, lol) We should be happy and achieve success rather than basing our happiness on our success. Comparison makes it difficult to put happiness before the success.
Not only did I like your “Net level praise”, I really like how you put it in a coaching style question. You slip in the self-reflection under the cover of praise.
I need to keep my eyes open to use these opportunities. Awareness is step 1!
Thanks Nick. Your observation about happiness has support. Happiness produces success, not the other way around. This idea is earthshaking to me.
Anytime we can inspire thought and reflection we do a service to the people on our team and help our organization succeed. 🙂
I am very fortunate that I have bosses who lift me up often and ask me to share with or teach them some of my better skills. However, a word of caution and advice. DON’T LET THIS GET TO YOUR HEAD. Remain humble, they are your superiors and treat them as such (even if, from time to time they show you their weaknesses or compliment you on your strengths).
Again, I try to be very careful and guard my heart against pride in the workplace. Things like this can really inflate your ego if you don’t know how to process it!
Great point Frank. We don’t arrive. We’re always pursuing better.
The people who lead with humility earn our respect. We’ll do well to emulate their spirit.
Excellent post! So often, the comparison can start at home. “Why don’t you keep your room clean like your sister/brother does?” Comparison can build resentment and set up barriers against teamwork. I really like your next level praise, Dan. Focus on something the individual does well and praise that. My sister taught third grade for years, and sought to instill in the children a sense of confidence about their individual skills and balanced that with kind discipline and fostering accountability. It worked so well, that one of the most disruptive students became a Navy Seal when he reached adulthood. His mother still thanks my sister for encouraging his talents, skills and intelligence when she sees her at the grocery store!