4 Responses to Complaints About Others
Complaints about others might be self-serving. Or people could feel genuine concern, frustration, or a desire to improve situations. Or maybe they seek to elevate their status by pulling someone down.
Complaints about others might be:
- Malicious gossip.
- Political one-upmanship.
- Blaming.
- Self-protection.
- Venting.
- Solution-seeking.
- Support-seeking.
Don’t:
Determine what you don’t want to do before you begin.
#1. Don’t belittle people’s concerns.
#2. Don’t assume you understand. People tailor stories to make themselves look superior.
#3. Don’t take sides.
#4. Don’t take responsibility for relationships between others.
#5. Don’t become a go-between.
#6. Don’t get emotional.
#7. Don’t violate confidentiality.
4 responses to complaints about others:
#1. Notice motives.
Determine the reason you’re hearing complaints about others by asking a clarifying question. Choose one of the following questions.
- What would you like to take away from this conversation?
- What would make this a great conversation for you?
- What’s causing this to come up now?
Don’t passively listen to complaints about others.
#2. Affirm without agreeing.
- This seems important to you.
- You seem to care deeply about this.
- We want things to go smoothly at work.
- Strong relationships are important.
#3. Aim low.
Complaints, tension or distrust don’t magically vanish. Define reasonable success. Never enter a game when you don’t know what winning looks like.
Ask, “How important is developing a good relationship?” You end up frustrated and disappointed when you work harder on people’s relationships than they do.
What’s the best outcome you see?
#4. Expect personal engagement.
Don’t fix “for”, fix “with”.
- What would you like to do about this?
- What are some ways you could improve this situation?
- How would you like to respond next time this happens?
Job satisfaction and team performance connect to strong relationships.
What’s on your list of do’s and don’ts when you hear complaints about others?
Still curious:
7 Truths about Chronic Complainers Every Leader Needs Today
How to Put an End to Personal Complaining
4 Types of Employee Complaints — and How to Respond (hbr.org)
I like the way you turn the conversation around to what the employee can do to improve the situation. Good stuff!
Thanks, Brandi. There’s a difference between expecting people to be adults and letting them act like children when interpersonal tension persists. It’s not mean. It’s respectful to expect people to take responsibility for things within their control.
This is wise information. I also like the way you turn the conversation around to what can be done to improve the situation. I will use this information in a conversation in the near future.
I wish you success, H.B.
Some complaints–people just want you to listen to them venting.
Some complaints–people want problem solve.
It always helps me to know which type of discussion I’m in.
So true, Paul. It’s a waste of time when someone wants to vent and you’re trying to solve.
Sometimes if I know the person well and I’m able to be more blunt/honest myself, I’ll flat up say in these situations, “are you simply hoping for commiseration or would you like help solving it as well?” That’s not usually the first thing I say, but I try to say that before I DO offer any advice or just offer commiseration and nothing else. But I love all the takeways here, good stuff as always! Feel like I can almost cancel my next counseling session.
Thanks, James. The right of relationship is an important factor. Thanks for bringing it up. When you’re the boss, soft to you might feel harsh to others. Wonderful point.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. And so timely. In my role I sometimes hear from students struggling with faculty. After confirming the student first attempted the conversation directly with the faculty, I will then listen. My natural inclination is to swoop and fix, so it’s a lot of self-talk to hold back. Your 4 responses with sample questions are greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Thanks H. I see you are a fellow FIXER! It takes lots of discipline to provide opportunity to better understand and allow people space to solve their own concern. Cheers
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