Dear Dan: My Boss Feels Like a Limiter
Dear Dan,
I’m wondering how to push through when I have a challenging leader?
My boss gives me space to do what I need to do, but is very unpredictable in approach, response, and feels like a limiter to me being able to lead my own group.
Anyways…you are always a wealth of resource & help so just wanted to reach out.
Sincerely,
Feeling Limited
Dear Limited,
Your email reminds me that lousy bosses make performance difficult and satisfaction unlikely. (Atlantic)
Here are a few points of reflection. I warn you that I’m focusing on you more than your bad boss.
#1. Build the strongest possible relationship with your boss.
Influence begins with relationship.
On a scale of 1:10, how strong is your relationship with your boss? What might you do to take that relationship up a notch?
One a scale of 1:10, how confident is your boss that you have their best interest at heart?
How have you communicated your commitment to seek your boss’s best interest in the last week?
#2. Commit to character development.
How might you re-frame this situation as a learning experience?
- How might learning to navigate a lousy boss make you a better person and leader?
- What positive qualities is this situation calling you to exhibit or develop?
- How does learning-through this experience expand your potential?
- How might you include your boss in your character/skill development?
I hope this is the last frustrating boss you ever have, but chances are, there are a few more in your future.
#3. Notice when your bad boss is bringing out your worst.
It doesn’t help you, your team, or your future to let a negative boss turn you into a negative person.
#4. Look in the mirror.
How might you have some of the same frustrating qualities your boss has?
Sometimes our frustration with others is frustration with our self.
#5. Speak up in the moment.
If you give your boss constructive feedback, do it in the moment. Delayed feedback is like spanking a dog the day after they made a mess.
Tell your boss the impact of their actions.
“It seems like yesterday you said, ‘xyz’. Today it seems like ‘abc’. What am I missing?” (I wouldn’t say this unless #1 is fully in the bag.)
I realize I’m dumping the load on you and I know it can be a heavy load.
I wish you well,
Dan
What suggestions do you have for Feeling Limited?
Added resources:
The Art of Coping (Positive Psychology)
How to Handle a Bad Boss (Forbes)
How to Deal with a Bad Boss (NBC)
What suggestions do you have for Feeling Limited? The communication has to be open, your feeling limited yet you say “he gives me space to do what you need”?
Most misunderstandings are poor interpretations or taking statements intended to be constructive, yet we interpret them as tearing us down.
I would start with the Boss one on one and tell him what you perceive and see what comes of it.
Next is ask the Boss to speak with the group and see what his intentions are?
Much can be addressed with a dialog.
Thanks Tim. As I read your comment I thought about how challenging it can be to communicate with a boss. This is made worse by distrust or resentment. However, your suggestion to keep communication channels open seems to be a step in a healthy direction.
Dan, “If we stay silent we solve nothing”, intimidation can be a challenge for sure, we need to step up to the plate. Sometimes people misjudge Bosses too, and find out they have a soft side after some direct communications. Of course sometimes we run into a Brick wall.
Dan – what are your suggestions for building a relationship with a boss who doesn’t build relationships with people? My boss is only in the office limited hours. She gets in after everyone and leaves before anyone. She doesn’t even say hello to people when she comes in and stays in her office, behind a shut door. She doesn’t get to know her employees and has not even know the names of people in her department. She doesn’t make eye contact with people or pay attention to people. I know I’ve had to tell her the same “personal detail” thing About someone several times. She’s not really a people person.
Thanks Jesse. I wonder if it’s possible to just do your best and ignore you boss? Find job satisfaction in other places?
Also, I wonder if there are other people in the organization that might be candidates for relationship building?
Another option is how might you be the person who does some of the things you wish your boss did? (I realize this might be threatening, but I’m asking.)
Just a thought. You have my best.
Dan – I appreciate your suggestions. One thing I love about your blog is that it always challenges me and helps me think about things from a different perspective. Thank you!
Excellent post and a good reminder to look inside first and also to see what you can learn from a difficult situation. Thanks!
Thanks Greg. I find the outward look more comfortable. 🙂 … But the inward look more necessary.
Most of the time, with a boss like this, you are only going to have a strong relationship if you are equally unconcerned about the things. Building a strong relationship with a boss who is like this is difficult, and can potentially be counterproductive, especially if the cost of doing so is compromising yourself.
Thanks Mitch. Well it certainly is difficult. Perhaps lowering expectations of the type of relationship is one help.
The other thing to consider is choosing a positive direction for yourself, even if it means marginalizing a boss relationship. I find the NO path is often taken. No to this, no to that…but without positive direction, the NO-path is an unsatisfying dead end.
Having said that, the no-path is important. But it becomes most important when a NO makes room for a YES.
It seems to me that what you suggest is a positive way to deal with any boss – whether they are a good boss or not. There is nothing that points to a boss/subordinate relationship that says that one or the other must or should take responsibility for the strength of the relationship. Building a strong relationship, or a stronger one, is not only a good idea, it’s also something that makes the work environment more pleasant. I have a good relationship with my boss and I find her to be engaging and concerned about me and others around her. I’m still asking myself the same questions you suggest, because there’s nothing to suggest that our relationship couldn’t be aided by a little introspection on my part. Thanks for a very thought provoking post!
Thanks Elizabeth. You represent the type of person who consistently strives to improve. This path is THE path. I’m encouraged and challenged by your approach. Cheers
So right on Dan. I have found you cant over communicate with those type of bosses. Others think over communication is a sign that you don’t know what you are doing. This one sounds like the other who needs information. Some bosses like that also don’t like emails, they get upset and prefer face to face. Get to know your boss is very important. You need to know what drivers them.