Praise, Ability, and Sucking the Life out of People
Praise is informed by the maturity and ability of those being praised.
Shoe tying:
Imagine little Mary successfully tying her shoe for the first time. Filled with pride, she parades her shoe tying to mom and dad. What happens?
It doesn’t matter that the knot is loose or the bows hang uneven, mom and dad go nuts. “Wow! That’s amazing.”
In the world of knot tying, her knot isn’t amazing. But compared to ability, it’s fantastic.
Sucking the life out of people:
Imagine correcting little Mary’s shoe-tying.
- “That’s pretty sloppy, Mary.”
- “Is that the best you can do?”
- “Look at mommy’s shoes. See how nice her knots are.”
- “Look at your brother’s knots. Aren’t they beautiful?”
- “That’s terrible. You better try again.”
You rightly judge the above statements as cruel.
Disrespect sucks the life out of people.
Ability and praise:
#1. Cheer like mad.
When a novice tells you about a small success, jump up and down, clap, and give them a high five. Praise progress.
If you only praise perfection, you won’t praise anything.
#2. Protect from criticism:
Protect novices from criticism. Suppose little Mary’s big brother makes fun of her shoe tying ability. You’d jump to defend her.
When you protect novices, they dare to try again.
Beyond novice:
Our 12 year old granddaughter asked me to evaluate her underwater handstand. I shouted, THREEEE, and held up three fingers.
First she frowned, then a look of determination flooded her eyes. It glared, “I’ll show you, Poppi.”
She kept trying. I was stingy. Her marks inched toward ‘10’. A tough evaluation challenged her. She raised her hands in victory when she earned a ‘10’.
Passion to excel is resilient in mature team members.
They already know that hard work comes before excellence. They’ve learned from failure and know falling short is educational.
How do leaders suck the life out of people?
What’s the difference between praising novices and praising experts?
*I thought I would irritate the perfectionist in you! 🙂
I walk a thin line between OCD and being a perfectionist. I think I judged myself harder then anyone could. My first lesson as a leader was I can not reach the standers that I expect from myself how can I expect it from others. The next step was to stop expecting that from myself. The I found that I needed to see the value in others even if they don’t do things the same way I do or at the same level. I got that nugget a few years back from one of your post. Life is better now (for me and my employees) that I understand that. Thank you sir.
Is that a typo on the title…Porfection? OR am I just being a perfectionist!
Thanks Walt. We have a tendency to judge others by our strengths and their weaknesses. The only reason I make that observation is I do it.
It’s a pleasure to be on the journey with you.
Cheers
Hi Dan,
When I try to give free hand and not judge teams performance with relation to my ability, I see the results are not satisfactory.
What should I do?
is that a typo in the headline…porfection?
and the font is not consistent and the color is too dull and and … I think Dan did that just to see how many of us are out here.
LOL could be.
I accidentally posted my question twice and cannot figure out how to delete…is there a way to delete a comment once it is posted?
Dan has to do it. He will see it and take care of it.
Ann and Walt, In the spirit of porfectionism I should leave it. 🙂 … No I think I need to. 🙂
Yes Walt, that stupid font just sucks! 🙂
It’s an intentional typos to drive all the perfectionists crazy. 🙂
I knew it!!
As you get closer and closer to perfection, the improvements get smaller and smaller.
But keep in mind, those small improvements are just as significant (and hard) as the big improvements for the novice.
I think it’s easier to go from a 3-to-4 than it is to go from a 9-to-10.
Do you agree?
100% AGREE!!
I agree, too!
Dear Dan,
When leaders have a preconceived judgemental parameter, they might suck the life of people. When appreciation does not look sincere, it sucks. So, it is important to understand, realize and accepts beyond what has been imagined beforehand. That is how leaders can create a healthy appreciation.
Secondly, the difference between praising novices and praising experts is the degree of remarks. For novices, the degree can be minimized or can be overlooked so that he or she can learn and get encouraged. For experts, the degree for remarks could be insightful which can help in reaching excellence.
Thanks Dr. Gupta. ….”beyond what has been imagined.” There’s so much insight in that little phrase. We tell ourselves stories about others and base our actions on our own stories, or imagination. Often our stories are inadequate and/or inaccurate!
Actions based on wrong stories feels right, but it’s wrong.
Hi Dan
I learned a very important lesson from a friend some years ago. Using your example of little Mary tying her shoes…. He taught me that instead of saying, “You did an excellent job”….. (because Mary can actually compare her job to others and know that it probably isn’t excellent) Tell Mary, “I love your job….. It makes me proud that you can tie your shoes all by yourself….. I am impressed that you can do that job now…..” The emphasis is off the actual perfection (or not) of the job…. (which is contestable and may not be comparatively honest) and on to my personal feelings towards that person and their job (incontestable and honest). This has helped me be more honest with myself (I am a perfectionist) and the person I am praising. And they can wholeheartedly receive it….
[this comment is focussed on “leading” adults and the praise/criticism leveled at adults]
Successful organizations and the leaders within generally expect excellence, avoid hiring novices, and thus don’t need to worry about “sucking the life” out of an incompetent.
Praise and criticism are offered when justified. Criticism can be constructive and necessary for a well led organization striving to achieve a better status than yesterday’s status.
At times it is necessary to cut the dead weight. Does a good leader praise the individual who is let go or inform them why they have been let go. Let someone else praise their novice abilities.
Most successful leaders of adults must be able to identify and declare which performance is good and not so good.