No matter what you do, you’ll encounter passive-aggressive people at one point or another.
It’s challenging to protect your emotions when dealing with difficult people, especially if they’re people you see regularly. Perhaps the toxic behavior comes from a relative who knows precisely how to get under your skin or a coworker who’s quick to undermine your ideas.
Sometimes, your responsibilities require you to be around people who sometimes lash out with passive aggression or pointed sarcasm. Although it’s impossible to alter another person’s personality traits, you can manage your own reactions and do a few things to protect your peace.
By learning how to deal with passive-aggressive people at work and in your personal life, you’ll be better equipped to navigate difficult social situations and lessen the impact that harmful words have on your day.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone expresses negative feelings or thoughts indirectly instead of outright. People with passive-aggressive tendencies often respond sarcastically or with false enthusiasm to show their disapproval of a situation.
If you ask a friend if they’d like to help you move, and they respond, “Yes, I’d love to spend my afternoon moving boxes,” sarcastically, that would be passive aggression. Another common example in the workplace would be when people who are supposed to uphold professionalism express distaste subtly, with phrasing like “As per my last email.”
A prominent sign of passive-aggressive behavior is communication and actions that don’t match sentiment. This can be difficult to spot, but usually happens when someone may happily agree to something yet exhibit behaviors that show they feel otherwise.
If you ask a family member to drive you somewhere, they may agree and say, “Yes, I’d love to,” yet arrive late and complain about doing it — that’s passive aggression.
Where does passive-aggressive behavior come from?
A report in the journal Behavioral Sciences posits that people behave passive-aggressively because it’s not often socially acceptable to use outwardly aggressive language. Instead, they feel they have to express themselves indirectly so they don’t hurt others or sacrifice their relationships.
The same report also says that some people experience passive aggression as a temperament, meaning it’s part of their personality rather than a reaction to unwanted stimuli. It could also develop after childhood trauma and negative parenting.
And according to the report above, in the first edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, serious passive-aggression was actually categorized as a mental disorder: passive-dependent personality. But in modern understanding, it’s now only one on a list of pathological symptoms of mental disorders.
Although understanding the potential root cause of behavior doesn’t dismiss the damage it might bring, it can help you to separate yourself from the negative situation. Instead of letting those comments impact your self-esteem or make you question your abilities, you can understand that it’s likely a problem with the passive-aggressive person’s feelings — not you.
What are the characteristics of a passive-aggressive person?
Passive-aggressive tendencies can present themselves subtly, making it challenging to identify in others and sometimes even yourself. Learning about common behavioral traits associated with these emotional vampires can help you recognize characteristics in yourself and others and address them accordingly.
Here are some passive-aggressive examples to watch out for:
1. Making sarcastic comments
Harmful sarcasm extends beyond the lighthearted small doses that might occur between friends. Someone passive-aggressive may use sarcastic comments to belittle those around them or make cutting remarks seem less severe.
In a relationship, this might look like your partner making a hurtful comment about your ability to complete a task, such as cleaning or cooking. If you prepared a meal and accidentally added too much salt, your partner might comment sarcastically about the meal needing more salt.
The severity of the sarcasm depends on the context and your relationship with the person you’re talking to. When the goal is to add humor to the conversation, some people might even enjoy it. But it’s critical to be careful to avoid hurt feelings.
2. Criticizing people indirectly
Constructive criticism is a helpful way to receive feedback, but other kinds can be painful, especially when you do your best and want others to notice. People who express criticism passively might do so to avoid its negative impacts, but that doesn’t mean those comments don’t hurt.
At work, a coworker may indirectly criticize you with a condescending tone. If they don’t believe in your ability to complete a task correctly, they might say, “Are you sure you can complete this?” or “If it’s too hard to do on your own, let me know.”
In other instances, the criticism may be more direct, such as someone outright hinting at how you could complete tasks differently or behave the way they want you to. If your coworker dislikes how you’re conducting a project, they might say, “That’s an odd way to do that,” or “You’re awfully focused on [aspect of the project].”
3. Giving others the silent treatment when upset
Passive-aggressive people might use the silent treatment to express their disapproval of a situation. In a personal relationship, an example might be a person refusing to talk to you after you asked for time alone. Instead of having a conversation about why they might feel hurt, they disengage out of spite.
4. Resenting instructions
Passive-aggressive people might resent or oppose instructions from others, even if they still do what they’re told. They may become argumentative with the person who delegates or irritable when completing the tasks.
In a workplace, if an employee doesn’t like a task their boss assigned, they might counterargue the request and find reasons not to do it. Or, the employee may harbor resentment toward their manager for asking them to do an undesirable job and give them the cold shoulder.
5. Sabotaging tasks by making mistakes
Sabotaging tasks is one way passive-aggressive people may express unhappiness or frustration. They may protest others’ requests by procrastinating or making intentional mistakes to avoid receiving a similar task in the future. An employee may delay finishing a project or submit an assignment with obvious yet subtle errors.
6. Giving backhanded compliments
Backhanded compliments often sound genuine, yet have a subtle insulting undertone or suggest a separate fault. A passive-aggressive person may use one to insult a quality you possess or belittle your work on a project or task.
A backhanded compliment from someone you know could sound like, “I love how agreeable you are when making decisions.” In this case, the word “agreeable” might suggest they think you don’t effectively make decisions on your own. And at work, an example might be, “You tried so hard on that assignment” — suggesting that you tried but didn’t succeed.
How to deal with a passive-aggressive person in life and at work
According to a survey from e-learning platform Preply, 83% of American employees report that they receive covertly hostile messages in their professional exchanges. If you’ve been experiencing this behavior and want to learn how to deal with passive-aggressive coworkers, friends, or family members, you’re not alone.
Passive aggression is common, but that doesn’t make it easier. When someone you see regularly is treating you poorly, it can both hurt your feelings and negatively affect your experience in that environment.
It’s challenging to navigate without proper tools, but if you’re constantly receiving backhanded compliments or subtle insults, you have to take action to preserve your well-being.
Here are six tips that can help you build better relationships and maintain your mental health, whether you’re wondering how to deal with a passive-aggressive boss or friend:
1. Practice clear communication
Everyone has a unique communication style, and sometimes they may be unaware of how their behavior makes others feel. Perhaps sarcasm is an important part of their sense of humor, or they’ve learned that dealing with personal issues in indirect ways is their preferred way to get through them.
If someone close to you exhibits passive-aggressive behavior, using assertive, clear, and direct communication can help you effectively approach the situation head-on. Although directness isn’t everyone’s strength, expressing your feelings assertively could stop the behavior in its tracks.
If you’re in a professional setting, try to conduct all communication in writing or involve an unbiased third-party witness such as a manager or HR representative. This can help you document their behavior in case it comes up again.
2. Create a safe environment
Sometimes, rude people communicate passively-aggressively out of defensiveness and insecurity. Perhaps they previously received explosive responses when expressing their emotions or aren’t sure how to tell you something directly. If you suspect these reasons may be the case, you can try letting them know that it’s safe for them to raise their concerns.
To create a safe space, you can meet privately, ask them how they’re feeling, and actively listen to their point of view. Sometimes, an adverse action on your part might have triggered their passive-aggressive behavior, and it’s important to know so you can change your own ways.
Having those difficult conversations in a safe environment can build understanding and trust for future communication.
3. Use language carefully
One wrong word can quickly worsen a situation when emotions are running high. To avoid conflict when these red flags arise, use your language carefully and refrain from accusing the other person of being passive-aggressive outright. Instead of placing blame, explain where you’re coming from and be honest about how their actions or words made you feel.
If you’re communicating your feelings to a passive-aggressive person, try to avoid “You” statements that blame the other person for what happened. Instead, using first-person statements such as “I felt” or “I don’t understand” can stop the other person from feeling like you’re attacking them for what happened.
Remember, the point of your discussion isn’t to hurt their feelings or make the situation worse. It’s to arrive at a mutual understanding and improve the way you both communicate.
If you want to have a discussion with a coworker on why they haven’t finished a task, be straightforward. Instead of saying, “You didn’t complete this,” or “I wonder when that task will be done,” you could say, “I noticed this still needs to be finished. Do you have an estimate on when you’ll hand it in?”
4. Set boundaries
Although setting boundaries is an important part of a healthy relationship, it can be challenging when perceived power dynamics come into play. If you’re dealing with a passive-aggressive colleague or even someone with narcissistic traits, they might consistently neglect to consider your feelings.
Setting communication standards can help you enter a level playing field and avoid conflict.
Healthy boundaries may look like telling the other person to treat you with more kindness or limiting your time spent around them.
Although it’s not always possible to set physical distance between you and someone else, you may be able to create space by either spending less time in places they frequent or finding reasons to remove yourself quickly from situations that involve them.
5. Read relevant books or listen to podcasts
It can be challenging to build resilience and deal with high-stress situations on your own. If there’s a behavior you’d like to build in yourself or a subject you’d like help navigating, you can try reading books or listening to podcasts on those topics.
You can find hundreds, if not thousands, of experts offering their advice across various media, whether with podcasts discussing gaslighting or audiobooks on having difficult conversations. These can give you food for thought and offer tools for both dealing with passive-aggressive people and navigating your own emotions.
6. Stay calm
It’s easy to spiral when passive-aggressive behavior affects your emotions. Receiving negative comments and unfair treatment is frustrating and hurtful, especially when it’s happening often or coming from someone you care about.
Unfortunately, you won’t always be able to change how others treat you or influence their behavior. You’ll have to take a deep breath and focus on how you respond to a passive-aggressive comment or action without worsening it.
To remain calm in the moment, practice breathing techniques and think through your responses before you speak. Don’t hesitate to step away from the situation when necessary to collect your thoughts. Taking a break or hitting pause in a negative situation can give you time to reflect, manage your anger, and decide how to respond.
Making peace with passive-aggressive people
Avoiding toxic attitudes isn’t always possible. And it’s especially tricky when you’re interacting with someone who challenges you on a regular basis, such as a passive-aggressive boss or colleague.
By learning how to deal with passive-aggressive people, you can develop strategies and coping mechanisms to manage the impact of their words. Sometimes, even a simple conversation can be the solution to beating emotional distress and building better relationships.
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