Taming the trauma dump: sharing without suffocating

A trauma dump can be hard to recognize. It can also be hard to stop. Sharing and externalizing your feelings to heal from trauma is important, but not all sharing methods are helpful.

To avoid trauma dumping, you need to understand why we trauma dump, its impact on relationships, and practical ways to share your trauma without overburdening someone.

Breaking the burden: understanding trauma dumps

Telling your trauma story has healing power. It can help you overcome feelings of shame and make sense of the things you’ve experienced. But it's important to understand the difference between sharing and oversharing.

What is trauma dumping?

Trauma dumping is the process of sharing the details of a traumatic experience without regard for the listener. It often results in dominating a conversation with distressing information in the following ways:

• Rapidly unloading all of your traumas at once 
• Repeatedly talking at someone about the same issues 
• Sharing difficult emotions or feelings at inappropriate times
• Ignoring healthy boundaries set by the person who is listening
• Sharing intimate details outside of close, trusted relationships

Signs of trauma dumping

Trauma dumping can look different for everyone. But there are some common signs that you or someone else may be trauma dumping, such as the following:

• Withdrawn or uncomfortable reactions by other people
• Oversharing without knowing when to stop
• Paying little attention to others’ feedback or reactions
• Feeling increasingly escalated or anxious
• Having a prolonged, intense conversation
• Sharing more details than you meant to

Trauma dump examples

To help you visualize what a trauma dump might look like in context, here are some examples:

• Sharing graphic details about a divorce or affair while out to a casual lunch with coworkers
• Telling a neighbor you just met about abuse or childhood trauma 
• Overwhelming a new friend with collective traumas, such as those related to mass shootings or religious persecution

Why do we trauma dump?

Holding in our traumas can feel overwhelming. Letting that information out can give us a temporary sense of relief. Several factors can cause us to trauma dump, including the following:

• Holding our emotions in for too long
• Reacting in response to a trigger
• Seeking some sense of validation for emotional well-being
• An inability to process our trauma in healthy ways
• A lack of coping mechanisms

Underlying mental health conditions or feelings of loneliness can also cause trauma dumping.

Venting vs. trauma dumping

A trauma dump may sound like a venting session, but these forms of sharing are quite different. For example, venting includes the following traits:

• Expressing your emotions or concerns to someone willing to listen
• Sharing complaints that don’t feel like they need to be solved
• Letting go of the issue after venting about it

On the other hand, trauma dumping has the following characteristics:

• It burdens the listener
• It’s a one-sided conversation
• The listener feels an expectation from the sharer to help them
• It can be traumatizing or upsetting to the listener

Within reason, venting is good for your health and can aid you in healing after trauma. It can lower blood pressure, boost your immune system, and reduce depression. Meanwhile, trauma dumps can burden others, damage relationships, and lead to depression.

The consequences of trauma dumping 

Externalizing and expressing your feelings is a good thing. But, trauma dumping outside a clinical or coaching environment can have negative effects. When you trauma dump, you might experience the following:

• Triggered feelings of emotional distress or anxiety related to the traumatic experience
• Increased social isolation and feelings of helplessness
• A lack of reframing the situation or moving forward

How others are impacted by trauma dumps

The consequences of trauma dumping extend beyond the speaker and affect the listener on an emotional level. Because of this, trauma dumping can lead to the following outcomes:

• Strained relationships
• A lack of trust from others, who may worry you’ll also overshare the things they tell you
• Negative impacts on the mental health of the listener
• Pushing people away

Intentional sharing: how to talk about your difficult experiences without overburdening

The key to stopping trauma dumping, whether you’re the sharer or listener, is to know what sharing in healthy relationships looks like. Here are some things to remember when sharing personal information with others.

Knowing when to share and with whom

Not every person and setting is appropriate for sharing details about traumas. If you’re not sure whether it’s an appropriate time to share, ask yourself the following questions:

• What level of relationship and trust do I have with this person? 
• Does this person have adequate time right now to listen to my experiences?
• Am I in a quiet setting with few distractions?
• Is this person experiencing overwhelming traumas or feelings of their own?

For example, you don’t want to share intimate details when a family member is running late for work. You also may want to reconsider revealing distressing information to someone dealing with their own mental health challenges. This prevents the possibility of compounding their trauma.

Finding a safe space

Creating a safe space is a great way to set yourself up for more intentional sharing. You can create a safe place by filling it with items and people that make you feel calm and comfortable. 

To create a safe space for sharing, use the following steps:

• Identify people and environments that don’t trigger negative emotions
• Spend time practicing relaxation techniques, such as yoga or meditation
• Work to combat automatic thoughts and stop negative self-talk 
• Invite people in and practice being vulnerable in a way that’s productive for your healing

"I" statements: owning your feelings without blaming or accusing

It’s common for trauma dumps to include blaming others, not taking responsibility for mistakes, and having a victim mentality. When sharing about traumatic events, use “I” statements to acknowledge your feelings without projecting them onto someone else.

For example, instead of saying, “You always leave the house a mess,” say, “I feel anxious when I come home and the house is messy.” This replaces blame by keeping the focus on how you feel.

Active listening: seeking understanding, not solutions

For those on the receiving end of a trauma dump, focusing on active listening is critical. Active listening means actively participating in the listening process. When using it, you intend to understand what is said instead of trying to fix it. 

Some people feel a natural urge to try to help a situation, and that’s OK. But once someone is done sharing, ask whether they want your two cents before offering solutions.

Here are some ways to show that you’re actively listening:

• Maintain eye contact
• Ask open-ended questions
• Don’t interrupt
• Avoid making judgments
• Repeat back what you’re hearing to clarify understanding

Accepting the limitations of others

Everyone has boundaries. Be conscious of the listener’s boundaries so that what you share doesn’t negatively impact them. 

If you’re unsure what someone’s boundaries are, ask rather than assume. If you discover they aren’t the right person to help you process your emotions, you’re still one step closer to finding someone who is.

Using other outlets

Trauma sharing doesn’t have to be verbal. If you’re creative, consider using other mediums to help externalize your feelings. 

For example, you might use one of the following creative activities:

• Start journaling
• Try painting or sketching
• Play some music
• Dance with friends or alone in your room
• Give acting a go 

Whichever outlet you choose, make sure it resonates with you. If you dislike writing, journaling might be less helpful than doing something you enjoy.

How to regulate your emotions

Emotional regulation refers to your ability to manage your emotions to stay calm and collected in the face of stress. Learning to regulate your emotions has the potential to reduce depression and anxiety, both of which could trigger a trauma dump.

There are several emotional regulation exercises and strategies you can try as a coping mechanism, including:

• Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques enhance your self-awareness. They give you time to slow down and notice your feelings. Examples of mindfulness activities include yoga, meditation, and nature walks.
• Grounding techniques: Grounding yourself means staying true to yourself and your core values in the face of uncertainty. Ways to ground yourself include practicing mindful breathing, finding peace in music, or literally grounding yourself by coming into contact with the earth.
• Improving your diet: It’s estimated that more than 90% of your serotonin is made in your gut. Serotonin helps regulate and boost your mood. Maintaining wellness through nutrition can help improve emotional dysregulation.
• Breathing exercises: Take time to use breathwork to notice your breathing without trying to control or judge it.
• Practice gratitude: The health benefits of gratitude impact mental health and physical well-being. Gratitude improves your sleep, lessens anxiety and depression, and relieves stress, all of which affect your mood.
• Exercise: Exercising can also benefit mental health and emotional regulation skills. It improves self-esteem, increases energy, and helps you develop resilience and cope with stress.

Emotions come out one way or another. Using healthy outlets can help you be in control of when and how they do to avoid trauma dumping.

When to seek additional help for processing trauma

The truth about trauma is that it can have a huge effect on your life. It can impact everything from your happiness to your sense of safety and worth. 

If trauma is causing any of the following situations, seeking professional help is a good idea:

• Interruptions in your personal relationships
• Negative impacts on your work
• Feeling like you are being held back or aren’t achieving your goals
• Experiencing increased levels of depression, social isolation, and anxiety

Trained therapists can help you process trauma using evidence-based coping tools. 

Remember, therapy doesn’t always have to mean engaging in talk therapy. You may also find healing in therapeutic services like the following:

• Massage therapy
• Acupuncture
• Exercise
• Spiritual engagements

Try blocking off your calendar for self-care practices. They can help you remember that while you may not have control over traumatic events, you do have control over how you respond and move forward.

Whatever your healing method, make sure you’re scheduling time to work through your emotions. 

Avoid the trauma dump with 1:1 personal coaching

It takes courage to share your experiences and vulnerability, but unloading a trauma dump onto loved ones is not the way to do it. If you seek the right help and put in the work, you can achieve a much more positive outcome.

Not sure where to start? Try personal coaching. The coaches at BetterUp use behavioral science and evidenced-based tactics to help you transform, no matter where you are in life.

Simply answer a few questions, and we’ll match you with a coach who meets your needs.