Flip through any history book. You’ll find an index of historical figures, many of whom likely regretted a decision they made long after the fact. Dealing with regret is a common experience. Everyone grapples with tough decisions at times.
Sometimes you make the right choice. Sometimes you spend the next few months or years dealing with regret. Maybe it’s because of a missed opportunity or a hasty decision that still gnaws at you. It can leave you feeling angry and empty.
It’s not only you ruminating over past decisions. All of us do it at times.
You may feel as if you’re stuck in a loop of “should haves” and “what ifs." But you can travel through the negative emotions by learning how to deal with regret, moving forward, and embracing a growth mindset.
Understanding and dealing with regret
Even the best of us make mistakes. And regret is an inescapable part of the human experience. It’s a universal, if uncomfortable, teacher. It doesn’t mean you won’t be happy again, but it reminds you of the power of your choices.
While it can feel relentless, regret usually fades over time, especially if it’s addressed soon after the inciting event. This involves acceptance, learning from the experience, and asking for help, whether from a trusted person or a mental health professional.
In “The Power of Regret,” Daniel Pink proposes four types of regret, each revealing what we value:
- Foundation regrets stem from not laying the groundwork for a stable life, such as not saving for retirement or neglecting self-care
- Moral regrets result from acting unkindly (such as bullying at work) or unjustly (such as being unfaithful)
- Connection regrets come from missed relationship opportunities, often due to a fear of feeling awkward
- Boldness regrets occur because of missed opportunities due to playing it safe
Managing regret is a personal journey of self-discovery. You’ll likely find what works for someone else may not work for you. Taking time to process your feelings is OK, and doing so can be a stepping stone to growth.
The science of regret
Science gives us a fascinating peek into how our brains handle dealing with regret. Imaging studies show that regret triggers increased activity in certain regions of the brain.
In this study, researchers used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to monitor brain activity as participants chose between two options. To stir up feelings of regret, they showed participants what could’ve happened had they chosen differently.
The findings? Regret sparked activity in areas of the brain associated with decision-making, emotional processing, and memory. The more the participants experienced regret, the more the imaging showed increased brain activity. This suggests that our brains are designed to avoid regret.
So why does this matter? The research reveals that sometimes people become regret-aversive. Being regret-aversive means playing it safe, making choices designed to sidestep future feelings of regret or letdown. This means fear of feeling negative emotions, like sadness or awkwardness, can steer your decisions. Knowing that feeling regret is likely and preparing yourself for it might lead to making necessary choices that sometimes yield better outcomes.
People often make decisions and judge the results based on their own emotions. This means you might feel regret about a result, even when others think it turned out well. Understanding how you’ll react emotionally enhances your emotional well-being and pushes you toward decisions that will make you happier.
Feelings of regret and guilt are two emotions that often get mixed up. However, there are ways to deal with each of them.
Overcoming regret vs. overcoming guilt
Regret and guilt may be two sides of the same coin, but they are different emotions. That means there are unique ways to overcome each one.
With regret, you might wish for a do-over. It feels like a longing for what might have been if you had taken a different path. Overcoming regret involves reframing it as a learning opportunity. Instead of getting stuck in what could have been, you can use the feeling as motivation to make better decisions in the future.
On the other hand, guilt is a sting of conscience for choices you believe harmed yourself or others. Overcoming guilt requires taking responsibility, seeking forgiveness, and making amends. It’s about acknowledging the impact of your actions and showing positive change from here on.
While it’s natural to be self-critical, learning to shift gears from self-blame to self-compassion is important. Once you’ve learned the lesson, it’s time to show yourself some kindness.
Why it's important to deal with regret
Why does it matter to confront and manage regret in the first place? In a study led by Neal J. Roese, a professor of marketing and psychology, participants contributed to this breakdown of what they considered to be their biggest regrets:
- Romantic (18.1%)
- Family (15.9%)
- Education (13.1%)
- Career (12.2%)
- Financial (9.9%)
- Parenting (9%)
The study noted key gender differences. Women tended to ruminate more on romance-related regrets, while work dominated men’s regrets. Roese’s research also found that over time, people regret actions not taken more than actions taken.
Addressing regret isn’t just about feeling better, either. It’s a vital step toward mental fitness. Here are some of the things dealing with regret can do:
While regret might be a bitter pill to swallow, it can also be a powerful motivator for positive change.
Dealing with regret: how to move on
The first step in overcoming regret is self-reflection. This introspective journey explores your decisions, emotions, and aspirations. According to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America, asking yourself guiding questions helps unearth valuable insights about your strengths, weaknesses, and future motivations.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to self-reflection, structure can improve effectiveness. This might look like working with a therapist or coach who can guide you, using journaling to process your thoughts, or embracing mindfulness through meditation.
It’s about finding the method that helps you navigate your feelings of regret and move toward a more self-aware, regret-resilient future. Here are five steps to help you move forward:
1. Acknowledge and accept
This step involves recognizing that you may not have made the best decision at the time but also understanding that the alternative path might not have been as perfect as you imagined.
We’re often guilty of idealizing the “what ifs.” We forget that they would have presented their own hurdles.
One way to shake yourself free from the weight of regret is through disclosure. Share your feelings by talking with someone you trust or start journaling your thoughts about dealing with regret. Naming your emotions is therapeutic and carries a sense of clarity.
Another key part of acceptance is finding a balance between who you want to be and who you believe society expects you to be. It’s OK to chase your dreams, but it’s just as important to consider potential consequences and whether they align with your responsibilities. How we respond to our regrets, not the regrets themselves, is what shapes our future.
2. Learn and forgive
With this step, consider reframing how you perceive your regrets. You’re often harsher on yourself than you would be on anyone else. Instead, practice self-compassion to treat yourself with kindness, not contempt. This helps you let go of the grudge against yourself so you’re in a better mindset for moving forward.
When you’re ready, look at the answers to your guided self-reflection questions. Consider what you could have done differently and what you will do in the future.
By using self-compassion to learn and forgive yourself, you can experience the following:
By transforming regret into a learning experience, you’re paving the way toward self-forgiveness and healing.
3. Take action and make amends
Since there is an overlap between regret and guilt, taking action and making amends is a necessary step in dealing with both. Sure, you might have missed the mark, but you can take action to get back on track. Consider changes you could make in your current situation to move closer to your ideal state.
Daniel Pink wrote that regrets usually boil down to not taking sensible risks, not doing the right thing, not reaching out, and not feeling good enough. Instead, focus on correcting those areas first and remember that “good enough” is often just that: good enough.
Then, you might find it’s time to repair some relationships. This can feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, especially since apologizing and asking for forgiveness are different steps. An apology admits wrongdoing. However, asking for forgiveness aims to mend a relationship.
Asking for forgiveness from a loved one doesn’t mean you’ll be immediately forgiven. Reaching out over time goes a long way. Pushing too hard for forgiveness, however, can cause further harm.
While taking action and making amends are important parts of overcoming regret, building resilience is equally important. This will help you navigate future challenges and prevent the recurrence of similar regrets.
4. Build resilience
Learning how to cope by building resilience is about understanding patterns of regret and learning to manage them. You might feel regret for actions you’ve taken soon after they occur. Regret for missed opportunities, however, tends to grow over time.
Recognizing this pattern helps you make decisions you’ll be happy with in the long run. It encourages you to seize opportunities because you know that initial discomfort or fear of taking action is likely worth the trade-off of knowing that you took your best shot. The regret of not taking action, however, could linger.
To build resilience, avoid dwelling on your regret. Instead, act like the third-person narrator of a novel and try to look at options objectively.
5. Set goals for a positive future
When you set goals, consider that our deepest regrets often revolve around our interpersonal relationships. Since loneliness carries health risks, investing time and effort into nurturing connections might be the priority that makes the biggest boost to your well-being.
Regrets that can sting the most are the opportunities you don’t take, whether due to fear or being too busy. But it’s easier to change course after taking action than to recapture missed moments.
Preventing future regret
Life is bound to throw curveballs. And sometimes we make the wrong decisions. What’s important is the ability to bounce back, learn from your mistakes, and keep moving forward. Nurturing self-confidence and honing your coping skills will prepare you for these moments.
Resilience is all about adapting to challenging life experiences. Sure, feeling like a failure can be demoralizing, but this is where self-compassion comes in. It’s what gives you the strength to try again. By learning from your mistakes, you’ll grow, develop a new sense of pride, and cultivate self-worth. It’s about falling, getting back up, and growing stronger each time. Here’s how to do that:
1. Cultivate acceptance
Building resistance to future regret calls for getting in the habit of weighing the pros and cons of a choice and then accepting your decision. It begins with knowing what you’re willing (or unwilling) to risk. Knowing that you made the best choice with the information you have available can help keep the regret at bay.
Self-acceptance and forgiveness have a powerful link. When we struggle to forgive ourselves, it’s often because we’re divided: one part needs forgiveness, and the other part struggles to give it.
The good news is that self-acceptance bridges these parts. It allows you to forgive your mistakes and look ahead while breaking the cycle of negative thoughts caused by dwelling on the past.
Finally, acknowledging your thoughts and feelings also relieves strong negative emotions. This process of noticing and restructuring your thoughts is known as cognitive reappraisal. Seeing your situation in a new light can reduce regret and inform future decisions and self-improvement.
2. Prioritize living authentically
Also, make decisions that align with your personal life rules and values. Even if things don’t pan out as expected, you’ll understand why that decision was right for you at the time.
Interestingly, emotions play a supportive role in rational decision-making. If you aim to minimize regret about your decisions, your choices often echo rational behavior. This challenges the misconception that emotion and rationality are at odds. In reality, they complement each other in your decision-making process. Emotions help you assess past outcomes and adjust your future choices accordingly.
3. Seek support and guidance
Even though you’ll sometimes feel like the world champion of regret, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone.
Leaning on your team, mentors, or coaches can do wonders for your mental well-being. But if regret starts to feel more like a black hole sucking you into depression and anxiety, there’s no shame in seeking support from a mental health professional.
Trying therapy or coaching for overcoming regret
Both therapy and coaching can help you overcome regret. Each has unique benefits tailored to different needs.
Therapy might be the right choice if regret heavily impacts your mental fitness. It’s helpful when:
- Regret causes depression or anxiety
- Regret makes it hard to function in daily life
- You need to explore and process deep-seated emotions
- You need to tackle underlying issues that contribute to regret
- You’re trying to find healthy strategies to cope with your feelings
Therapy is a space to work through challenges and help you manage the impact of regret on your well-being.
On the other hand, coaching is a compelling choice if you want guidance and support in setting and achieving personal growth and decision-making goals. It’s ideal when:
- You aim to make positive changes in your life
- You want to learn from regrets and use them as a springboard for growth
- You seek motivation, accountability, and practical strategies to overcome regret
While therapy is the go-to for addressing mental health concerns related to regret, coaching is ideal for those seeking support in overcoming regret and achieving personal goals. Your choice, ultimately, depends on your specific needs, preferences, and goals.
Embracing imperfection: the final step in dealing with regret
Along with the rest of humanity, your experience with regret is the result of your struggle to accept that mistakes are inevitable. But here’s the truth: No one is perfect, and that’s OK.
Consider addressing and managing regret as a milestone on the journey to personal growth. It’s something to be celebrated.
At BetterUp, our coaches offer strategies and tools rooted in behavioral science to help individuals recognize, manage, and reduce feelings of regret. With the help of a BetterUp coach, you can stop chasing perfection and start embracing your imperfections as opportunities for learning and growth.
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